Brace Yourself

When the announcement was initially made, we were all quite naturally shocked.

Harper took the podium, cleared his throat, stared out into the assembled reporters and, in a loud steady voice, announced that for the past two years he’d been using a system of secret weather-control satellites to move Calgary’s winter to the northeastern United States.

He explained that Calgary was part of a pilot program that, now proven successful, would be extended through the rest of Canada, that every Canadian might enjoy unseasonably mild winters.

Prime Minister Harper conceded that yes, Americans no doubt would not like the bitterly cold winters that we would shortly be shipping them, but pointed out that unless they were willing to invest in a weather control program of their own there would be little they could do about that. And, with the focus they’ve of late been devoting to deficit reduction, it was unlikely that they would be willing to do so with their political climate being what it was.

With this in mind, Harper believed that we could ship our winters south with very little in the way of meaningful consequences, and that therefore we ought to. If all went according to plan, the satellites would be online within the week and winter as we knew it would soon be, across this great nation, a thing of the past.

He then proceeded to call an election.

It’s a tough decision that I’m now faced with. I do not like Stephen Harper, either personally or politically. I work for minimum wage plus tips and I’m active in the arts, so I get the impression he doesn’t like me either, and he believes in basically everything I don’t believe in. Nearly every word out of his mouth strikes my as small and petty and hypocritical. Plus, keeping it real, I’m basically a socialist, so it’s only natural I’d find him abhorrent.

At the same time: Weather control satellites, man!

And also: I hate winter so much!

I know I shouldn’t vote Conservative, I do know that. I’ve been unhappy with the Harper government in general, and I’m surely not a single-issue voter. But awesome technology/no more winter in Canada ever again is an AMAZING single issue, and when asked Harper assured us that he and only he knew the codes to the satellites and that no, he would not be passing the information along to a successor. This kind of makes me hate him even more, billions in taxpayer dollars were spent learning how to control the weather and it’s the very definition of a public good, he has no right to keep the operating codes, but the fact that only one Prime Minister could free us from winter weather does paradoxically make me more likely to support his continued candidacy.

I hate him more, but I’m more likely to vote for him in spite of that. Which, I know, was his intent. He doesn’t need my respect or admiration, merely my vote.

The Tory’s are not my party, they never have been and never will, I don’t know why I’m even thinking about this, but I am, God help me I am. And if I vote for them, will I be able to live with myself?

When it’s plus ten in January, I might be able to. Or at least, I might loathe myself in a little more comfort.

Ah well…

…the election isn’t for another few weeks.

I’ll figure it out.

Weekly Prompt Story: Making Other Plans

As those of you who follow me on twitter (@munsimunsi) already know, Laurence Simon did a charity episode of the 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge this week to raise money for the Relay For Life. Money was donated based on the number of stories sent in, and due to the efforts of his loyal listeners, roughly $800 was raised all told, if I understand correctly. So good for him, good for everyone involved, and a hearty round of congratulations all around. Also, due to the charity nature of this weeks challenge, a whole HELL of a lot of stories! So if you want to listen to drabbles until you can no longer think straight (which you likely should want) this week's a unique opportunity to do so!

Here's some links to the episode, which had to be broken down into multiple parts due to the sheer volume of response the call for stories got:

http://podcasting.isfullofcrap.com/2012/07/15/weekly-challenge-325-life-rfl-challenge/
http://podcasting.isfullofcrap.com/2012/07/15/weekly-challenge-325-life-rfl-challenge-part-2/
http://podcasting.isfullofcrap.com/2012/07/15/weekly-challenge-325-life-rfl-challenge-part-3/
http://podcasting.isfullofcrap.com/2012/07/15/weekly-challenge-325-life-rfl-challenge-part-4/
http://podcasting.isfullofcrap.com/2012/07/15/weekly-challenge-325-life-rfl-challenge-part-5/

...again, congratulations to everyone involved. And, for those of you who like, here's the story I submitted.

Making Other Plans

By Chris Munroe

It’s been said that life’s what happens when you’re making other plans.

And that’s why I make a lot of plans.

Some general plans, moving in with the woman I love, reworking my schedule to include more time to write, those sorts of thing.

Others are grander plans, building superweapons, using them to subjugate mankind, world domination.

I’ll tell you, the second thing’s better.

With that in mind I’d like to offer an addendum to the expression.

Life’s what happens when you’re making other plans.

Living is what happens when you’re blackmailing the United Nations using an orbital weapons platform.

Domination Deferred

Voltra’ag stared blankly at the shambles his life had become.

His kingdoms had been flooded by months of rain and, adding insult to injury, the fortress he’d thought impenetrable, and his unstoppable superweapon within, were rubble before him. Behind his iron mask, he wept.

He’d lost everything, because he had not learned three simple lessons.

1) Supervillains fail because unlike heroes, who can unite in the name of justice, their goals diverge.

2) Speak of your schemes to no-one unless you’re absolutely certain they’ll join you.

3) A man with a weather-control satellite is no man to be trifled with.

My Satellite (part 3)

The project’d been difficult to complete, but Dr. Colossus knew it’d been worth the effort. With his satellite operational, the world had no choice but to bow before his genius.

His technicians counted down, and the rocket fired to life, an array of superlazers and mind control rays thrown into low earth orbit. He laughed maniacally, and brought the systems online.

At which point my own satellite noted it’s power signature, relayed an auto response to my headquarters, and shot it down.

A few days later Dr. Colossus received a very brief note.

It read: I don’t share. Nothing personal.




For more information on the Lazer-Satellite I sent into orbit please consult the following Drabbles

The Weather (My Satellite part 1)
http://munsistories.blogspot.com/2010/06/weather.html

My Satellite (part 2)
http://munsistories.blogspot.com/2010/06/satellite.html

The Weather

I control the weather.

Expensive? Yes, but totally worth it. I designed, secretly constructed, and launched a series of satellites into orbit above my hometown. They use a system of chemicals, mirrors and lasers to manipulate air currents and precipitation.

I’d intended to use the system to blackmail the city, bend them to my will. With my boot on the neck of weather itself, none could stand against me!

Yet here I am. Behind my house, city not at my feet, sneaking a smoke before work. Drenched by the downpour.

No matter the device, I will somehow lose the remote…