Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween Costumes

“I’m a serial killer,” I said, “we look like everyone else.”

“Dude,” the Cowboy replied, “total copout.”

I laughed, mentally noting to kill him.

But first, the Slutty Nurse, still grinning at my eye for detail as my straight razor went “snicker-snack” across her throat.

Alone and unprepared. Wonderful…

Then, time for the Cowboy. Icepick to the neck while he smoked behind the house. Never saw me coming. They never do.

Later, washing off blood in the bathroom sink, I heard a voice behind me.

But saw nothing in the mirror.

“Tonight,” it whispered “we look like everyone else too.”

Friday, October 29, 2010

The Nature of Will

“Is free will free?”

“Yes, of course it is. That’s why they call it that.”

“Like, completely free?”

“Yes, completely free.”

“How free?”

“Free! It’s free! It’s free will, it’s by definition free. It is the most free human will can be, I don’t understand what you’re asking. My will is free, all will is free. It’s free will!”

“Good. Then I’ll have yours, if you please.

And so she took my will, offering nothing in return.

She then commanded me to write a story about it, which you’re now reading. I’ll ask her if I hope you enjoyed it…

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Moon

“Your world,” whispered a voice from behind me, “has a beautiful Moon.”

I turned to face an amorphous thing, all shifting masses of eldritch tentacles and seemingly sentient darkness. It had no face, but as I stared into it’s seemingly endless void, I could feel it smiling at me.

I’d been in the pub nearly two hours, and while I admit I’d had a few, I couldn’t believe I’d not noticed it before it spoke.

“Excuse me?” I stammered, desperately clinging to my fraying sanity.

“Your moon. It’s very beautiful. What do you want for it?”

My mind reeled. It… he? He wasn’t the sort of thing meant to have ever been witnessed by any human eye, and it was only after overcoming my sense of near-religious terror that I could focus on the question itself. The moon? What do I want for the moon? I mean, it’s not really my moon, is it? It’s not really anyone’s. it’s just sort of… the moon.

On the other hand, if I did barter it away, who on earth would ever know it was me who’d done it?

“Power. I want power.” I whispered, raggedly.

“It is yours.”

Conquering the world was shockingly easy. But I suppose, with most of the coastal cities decimated by tidal waves and panic in the streets of the few nations unaffected, the world was had other matters on it’s mind.

Monday, October 25, 2010

We Have Nothing to Fear...

Fear’s the real killer.

It’ll paralyze you if you’re not careful. The slightest little thing, harmless on it’s face, can be magnified by the subconscious mind and manifest as the most paralyzing sort of terror.

It’s for this reason one must remain vigilant, ready to face one’s fears when needed. And must make oneself available to help others when they need to face theirs.

So, when the time came to overcome her phobia of spiders, I buried her alive, in a coffin full of spiders.

And now she no longer fears spiders.

Next: To address her newfound fear of me…

The Robotic Uprising

Was building the robots a mistake? Some think so, I don’t.

Some said sentient machines would surely tire of serving man, and inevitably rise up against their masters. To those I say: Science marches on.

Science must progress, risks must be taken. And when things sometimes go awry, we’ll deal with the consequences.

In summary, I admit the robotic sit-down strike will prove costly this quarter, but if you compare our overall profitability to that of competitors still using human labour, you’ll find that, all things considered, our cyber-work-force has been a boon.

So lets sit down with this “union-head”.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Why I Shouldn't be Allowed to Have Children

Great men are forged in the crucible of trying times. This has always been true, and it’s something everyone, on some level, understands.

Without great challenges, after all, how can we achieve glory? It’s only in tragedy that we learn who we truly are.

Which is why, when my son was born, I blinded him.

I knew overcoming this would teach him the self-reliance needed to succeed in this life.

And when Social Services later declared me an unfit parent and took him into foster care, I was overjoyed.

Blind, AND an orphan?

My son would surely grow up strong…

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Raising the Dead...

…isn’t easy. It’s an unbearable drain physically, emotionally and spiritually. I lose something in it, something I can never get back.

And even then, the subject never comes back right. Some vital part’s missing, and the result, to those closest to the undeceased, is an abomination.

I know, you just want her back. This isn’t meant to convince you not to go through with it. Everybody goes through with it.

I just hope, when you put her down in a few days, you don’t curse my name too venomously.

You’ve brought the body? We can begin now, if you’d like…

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Just Because You CAN do Something, Doesn't Mean You Should

They called me mad to even consider it, but I’ve NEVER backed down from a bad idea, and so the work began.

Trillions spent, and armies working years on end. Lasers carving away tonnes of rock, rock taken out to sea.

I never lost faith the work would be completed.

But in dark times I wondered if I’d be alive to see...

And now, when I look out at where the Rocky Mountains used to be, I see an enormous statue of myself in repose.

And when I do, I can’t help but miss the skyline the way it was…

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

To Rule Them All

The time had come, to bend this city to my will. To touch and shape the future of citizens helpless before my power.

Grand plans had I, and the means to implement them. Not perfectly, but adequately.

And none, no matter that they might disagree, could stop me. My power wasn’t infinite, but it was unstoppable.

I reached out and made my mark upon my hometown, one that’d be felt for years to come. I left a deep impression, that would not be soon forgotten.

Yes, I voted the hell out of today.

I got civic up in this bitch.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Search

And so we set out, looking for Marcel.

He’d been last seen performing in a park, but when we combed the area no sign was found. Expanding the net, within hours the whole force was searching the streets for any sign.

The only lead was his bowler hat, found in an alley, smudges of white greasepaint still wet under it’s brim.

But he was never seen again.

Although we never found him, the experience made me a better detective. I devote myself completely to every case I take, if only in a desperate attempt to make up for lost mime…

Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Magician

When he made a Tank disappear on live TV he was rightly proclaimed the greatest illusionist the world had ever known.

But more astounding still, his escapes. From graves, straight jackets, safes, it was said he could escape anything.

Except tax bills.

And gambling debts.

And bankers set to repossess his home.

And so, hiding terror, maintaining a showman’s grin, the curtain was pulled to conceal him from his audience one last time.

He breathed deeply, once, twice, and mumbled the incantation taught to him so long ago.

His greatest escape.

Closing his eyes, he stepped out into the ether…

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Telling of the Geek Wars

When Star Wars 3D came out, many had forgiven Lucas for Phantom Menace, and wanted to begin the healing. But some never forgave, taking “Never Forget” at their watchword.

And so the geek-wars were unleashed upon this land.

Forty-seven days of zeppelin-patrol, scouting enemy Mechs, and while my piloting has thankfully improved, all I truly want is to return home to my love’s embrace.

When will these anti-starwarriors understand: It was more than a decade ago, get over it! Forgiveness is, after all, divine. Even for Jar-Jar.

But not for Transformers. F*ck you, Michael Bay, I’ll never forgive for Transformers.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Smelling smoke as I wake to alarms.



Rolling out of bed onto the floor, pausing to grab my phone. Keeping low, making my way through and out of the increasingly smoke-filled house. My wife’s with her parents for the weekend, thank God for that. All that’s left is to call 911.

“Please,” I say, calmly as I can, “help me. My house is burning.”

The gentle, accented reply; “That‘s unfortunate, but I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m in India.”

I lost everything in the blaze. Still, the civic budget was balanced, and property taxes lowered...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

As Long as You Need

The basement’s unfinished, it’s walls and floor concrete. No windows.

And the staircase leading up to the main floor is simple lumber, decades old lumber at that. Half the boards were half-rotted anyway. Knocking them out with a fire axe took minutes.

Lucky every home has a fire axe nowadays, hey?

So when one of the bastards bit Cynthia, we had a safe place to put her. We weren’t perfectly comfortable with the situation, but we knew if we’d put her down for good you’d freak out. And we couldn’t put you through it. You’d been through so much already, with your parents and Jerry and all. So we put her down in the basement.

The constant moaning down there took some getting used to, but as we’ve all learned since the initial outbreaks a person can eventually get used to anything.

And so we got on with our lives.

For a while.

But the outbreak’s getting worse, and now people are talking about the local emergency services being suspended indefinitely. And if they are, without the police and the militias anyone who stays behind doesn’t stand a chance in the hell this city’s about to become.

Please, stop. Stop crying, I know. Please?

Listen, I know you don’t want to hear any of this, but you knew storing Cynthia in the basement was only every going to be a temporary fix. Calm down! You need to get your head together, we need to get out of here, and she needs to be left behind.

I’ll pack, you go downstairs and say your goodbyes.

Take as long as you need. But not too long.

Monday, October 11, 2010

My iPhone

He said he’d forgotten his bank card at home, but he’d return to cover lunch, and offered to let me hold his iPhone ‘til he got back.

But after he left, it started ringing, and kept ringing most of the afternoon.

Finally, I answered.

A woman’s voice, hoarse from weeping. Between ragged sobs, she said her husband was a good man, who’d never hurt anyone, and was just trying to buy ice cream.

She screamed at me, thinking I was a mugger.

Thinking I was a thief.

Thinking I was a murderer.

…long story short, I have an iPhone now.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Process

Was the surgery painful? All surgeries are painful. The real question is; was the surgery necessary?

And the answer to that question is: Not really.

Months of splices and surgeries, each more painful than the last as I grew gradually immune to the anaesthetic, and I can’t even make reasonable arguments that the process was necessary.

It’s not for everyone.

Some say it’s not for anyone, that what I’ve done, and become, is an abomination against nature itself.

Yet, when I uncoil gigantic new bat wings and soar off into the night’s sky, I’m too exhilarated to regret my decision.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

...on friendship.

He’d been depressed, convincing himself he was utterly alone, and we couldn’t allow it. So we threw a funeral.

His eyes widened when he saw us, gathered to celebrate his life. Clearly he was in shock we’d made the time.

And he was near tears during our eulogies. He’d never realized how many people he’d touched, lives he’d changed for the better.

He struggled a little when we buried him.

He struggled a LOT when we buried him.

I’d like to dig him up and ask how he enjoyed it, but it would only make the gesture feel less genuine…

Friday, October 8, 2010

Jan 3, 2011

The chamber came to order, but before the session began thunder cracked.

A freshman senator stood, pentagram of fire behind his head. He smiled at the Majority Leader, muttered something Latin, and all hell broke loose.

All the Hell.

The chamber floor opened, people scrambling to avoid being swallowed, as murderous crows swirled like a typhoon, screeching.

In an unnoticed corner, Ted Kennedy’s ghost took vengeance on Scott Brown.

It was a good day to watch Cspan.

Also: I couldn’t help think, during the hubbub over Christine O’Donnell, somebody really should’ve thought to ask if Chris Coons was a witch…

Thursday, October 7, 2010


Late at night, the knife whispers to me as I go to sleep.

Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t command me, it would never try to control me. It‘s not that kind of knife.

It simply whispers.

It asks about my day, what I’ve been doing. And I know it genuinely cares about my answers.

It comforts me when I’m feeling low, and congratulates me when I’m feeling well.

It tells me it loves me.

And I know that love’s an important thing.

That’s why, if it ever does ask me to do anything for it, I will. Without question.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Will I. Am

Last night, Will I. Am came to me in a dream.

Dressed in an elegantly tailored suit, he delivered a PowerPoint presentation to me, in which he firmly but reasonably demonstrated how his pop band was suited perfectly to my pop listening needs, and how his brand could synergize easily with my own.

The quality of music, he explained, was irrelevant.

The next morning, I awoke with a chill. It’d been so vivid I’d nearly thought it had truly happened.

And all through my day, I couldn’t shake the feeling that tonight was going to be a good, good night…

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The End of the World

The world ended before its inhabitants even knew it was ending.

The Comet knocked the moon out of orbit, and Tsunamis smashed the coasts as tides went haywire. When lunar wreckage struck central Europe, it left a miles-wide crater, sending up enough dust to begin an ice age.

If anyone survived, they’d soon be frozen.

Thus, the world ended. Not a whisper, but a cry of incomprehension cut short by the mightiest bang…

…I’d never been to Earth, my parents emigrated before I was born. But as I watched coverage on holovid, I couldn’t help feel sadness for the homeworld.

Friday, October 1, 2010


A man visited Tabitha’s school to tell them that, if they believed in themselves, anything was possible.

She trusted him, because he’d said what she wanted to hear.

So after school she sprinted home, bolted to her room, stared intensely into her bedroom mirror, and believed.

She believed for hours. When she didn’t come to dinner, Mother brought up sandwiches. When she collapsed into bed, exhausted from belief, they remained uneaten.

Waking the next morning, she rushed back to the mirror to see if self-belief had worked it’s magic…

…but was disappointed to see she was still a fictional character.