Friday, October 30, 2015

In my defence...

…the breakup had been a bad one, and tempers were still hot as I packed my things. She’d hurt me more than I thought possible, and moreover I felt more betrayed than I’d ever been. So I allowed my own baser nature to overcome my better angels. I was too angry, and I acted rashly. I know that’s not an excuse, but I hope that, in some small way, it provides an explanation.

Specifically, I left a bucket of shrimp in the basement, by the radiator, without telling her, before I moved out.

Obviously I wasn’t there weeks later when she found it, but I can only imagine her disgust as she came unexpectedly upon it. The stench alone must have been overpowering, and her revulsion as she was forced to carry that bucket of rancid shellfish upstairs and out to the corner for disposal is something that, in spite of my shame at having been so petty to someone I’d once loved, I still have to admit I’d have like to have seen.

So yes, I did once Revenge Prawn an ex-girlfriend. I’m not proud of the fact that I did it, but I did it, and there it is.

What? Well what DID you ask, then? What’s that? What, NO! No, I’ve never done THAT to an Ex. That’s revolting, absolutely fucking inexcusable. Who would do that?

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: I Remember When...

Remember Remember
By Christopher Munroe

Remember when that one Guy tried to blow up parliament with a cartload of gunpowder?

Oh come on, you remember. Guy pulls up, gunpowder in tow, he’s intercepted, nothing explodes but he’s ALL OVER the news, people screaming for his execution? It was a whole huge thing, #GunpowderTreason was trending on Twitter and everything, EVERYONE was sharing stories .


Are you sure?


Oh, nothing, I was just wondering how that whole thing turned out. After the initial outrage I kind of lost interest.

I guess these sorts of stories get covered differently in the age of social media…

Friday, October 23, 2015

The Relationship

Have you ever gotten out of a bad relationship?

The sort of dynamic where you know the other person is wrong for you, where they’re small and petty and pointlessly mean, constantly, where they’re not a good person and you can no longer bring yourself to even pretend that they are, but you’ve stayed with them anyway, out of fear that you can’t do any better, fear that, after so many years, this is all you deserve?

Have you ever been pushed to the point where even your own worst, most morally cowardly self can no longer make excuses for a person, and you see them, perhaps because of something they’ve said, perhaps something they’ve done, for who they truly are, and you can take no more of their abuse, their lies, of the petty, snarky contempt they show you with their every utterance, and you, finally, push them away once and for all?

Have you ever found yourself, away from a person for the first time in longer than you care to remember, so emotionally exhausted from the dynamic you’ve escaped, so utterly drained, that you can’t bring yourself to think about your future, to find something more healthy for yourself, a true partnership in which you might grow and thrive, because after everything you’ve been put through you no longer trust your own judgment in the matter, and anyway you just need something simple, something comfortable, something unchallenging.

…have you ever gotten out of something profoundly unhealthy, and you just want to be with someone sweet, and a little bit shallow, who you know will never ask much from you, while you figure your shit out?

That, in a nutshell, was what Election 2015 was like for Canada, so far as I can tell...

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: Stick

A Public Service Announcement
By Christopher Munroe

Teddy Roosevelt once famously said, “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.”

Good advice for its day, perhaps, but I think we all agree it needs to be updated.

“Walk on two big sticks.”

In this modern age, height’s never been a more important factor in determining success. With this in mind, can you deny yourself the opportunity to be your best, tallest self?

Jump on a pair of stilts today, as Roosevelt would have, had he the technology to do so.

This message has been brought to you by the Canadian Stiltwalkers Federation. For more information, consult our website…

Friday, October 16, 2015

A Weekend Negotiation

...all right, fragile human flesh-body, I know I was out until six in the morning gaming last night, and that's on me, that's nobody's fault but mine, but you have to get me through a day of work now, and THEN a nightclub.

I know it's not fair of me to ask you, you're aging, hell we both are, and neither one of us can do what we did at 19 anymore, but that's just how it has to be. Work, then a nightclub, and Then you can sleep. Just push through as best you can, don't break down on me, and if you come through for me on this I swear that on Sunday I'll let you sleep as late as you want!

We're a team after all, we're in this together, now pull it together, do the best you can, and get me through this. I believe in you, I believe you can do this, and you WILL do this for me!

One more day. Another day, another destiny. Let's do this.

And, once again, I'm deeply, deeply sorry that I'm putting you through this schedule.

We cool?

Monday, October 12, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: Us

By Christopher Munroe

You’re either with us, or against us.

Or, now that I think about it, you’ve never heard of us at all and have no opinion regarding us one way or the other.

In fact, given that we aren’t particularly notable, either for good or ill, chances are that it actually is the third thing that describes you.

So, anyway, you’re either with us, against us, or we’re nothing to you, have always been nothing to you, will always be nothing to you and you’re completely indifferent to us.

Probably the latter.

Now get off the fence and pick a side!

Friday, October 9, 2015


During the war, I was part of an elite group, tasked with sabotaging the supply lines of the enemy.

We did good work, I think, we aided the effort in a way that was invaluable, but we never quite got along personally. We were dicks to one another, basically.

I was a dick to everyone else, basically.

We don’t keep in contact much, the lads from my platoon and I.

I’m not sure they’d want to hear from me, though I’m sure if I did call they’d at least be civil.

But even so, I burned a lot of bridges…

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: Good Buddy

On the Nature of Friendship
By Christopher Munroe

You can’t spell “Good Buddy” without “Good Bud,” and that’s why I believe that a true friend will help you find marijuana.

That follows, yeah?

I don’t often smoke the stuff myself, it puts me to sleep, but if somebody comments on wanting some I like the challenge, it makes for a fun game for me.

I’m a grown-assed adult, with zero drug connections, but I’m reasonably intelligent and extremely tenacious, and if I want to buy drugs, then BY ZOD I am going to find someone to sell them!

Yeah, I’m also surprised I don’t get arrested more often…

Friday, October 2, 2015

What I Want 2016

I have to admit, Trump’s been crushing it as far as pretending to campaign for president goes.

I mean, every new thing out of his mouth has been crazy, inappropriate, racist or all three, and I’ve been eating it up with a childlike sense of hope and wonder. I could not ask for a better piece of entertainment product, and while I don’t know what we did to deserve this, I’m wiling to go with the flow, lean back, and watch an angry clown pretend to run for president without thinking about it too hard.

After all, his candidacy is the sort of thing that really does start to fall apart if any level of scrutiny is applied to it.

If you’re a Trump supporter, I apologize, but that’s the level on which I’m choosing to enjoy this whole thing. It’s a shallow level, but that doesn’t make my joy that he’s running any less real. And isn’t it more important that we ARE enjoying the same thing than petty questions of why?

Ultimately, I don’t think Trump will take the Republican nomination, because the people who own the party choose how it’s run, not the voters, and the owners know that Trump is too much of a wild-card to allow as their standard bearer during a major election they think that they might actually win. Which is unfortunate, but nothing can be done about it, that’s just how the process works. A safer choice will be made and the whole US election program will become a much less interesting one.

Which is what it is, though I DO believe that with a little luck, and sufficiently passionate supporters, Trump CAN make himself an important enough part of the conservative conversation that, when the time comes to choose a vice presidential nominee, he will be legitimately considered and, though this is not likely, perhaps even chosen. With the sheer number of people running, after all, the party will be splintered, and a moderate, business-friendly candidate might need a good way to reach out to the more conspiracy-minded base. Stranger things have happened, after all…

That would be a lot of fun.

On the Democratic side, meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is running basically unopposed and the whole primary can safely be ignored until the national convention.

If you’re a Sanders supporter, I apologize, but you had to know on some level that this was the case. As I pointed out earlier, the people who own the party choose how it’s run, not you. Sanders is moving the Overton window further left than I’d have thought possible, and congratulations to him, but you’re going to have to take that win and be happy with it.

It’s not a bad win, after all.

Once she has the nomination officially nailed down, however, things begin to become interesting. Because the sitting vice-president, who at one point did have a slim but non-zero chance of mounting a legitimate challenge had he entered the race, chose not to do so, keeping Clinton’s path to the presidency clear for her. And presumably, while it’s unlikely any actual quid-pro-quo situation has been negotiated, he would appreciate something in return.

Due to this, as well as the fact that, technically, there is no legal reason the same man can’t be the vice president under two different presidents over the course of sixteen years, there’s a small but non-zero possibility that Jolting Joe Biden is tapped to, once more, run in the VP slot. The Republican nominee picks Trump, Clinton picks Biden, and NOW the decks are cleared for a Donald Trump/Joe Biden vice presidential debate.

I want this so much, you guys, I can’t even say. People forget because the Obama administration has done a pretty good job keeping him on a short leash, but Joe Biden has basically zero internal censor, in a way that’s frequently unbelievably entertaining. His debate against Paul Ryan was one of the highlights of 2012, not the presidential campaign, the year, it was one of my favorite things that happened that year, and his tendency to go off script, contradict the official white house position on major social issues or drop a random F-bomb makes watching him do things while camera’s are pointed at him a fascinating prospect even when nothing goes off the rails. Even when he’s well behaved, there’s a sense of anticipation in the air!

And, partnered with somebody like Trump who CLEARLY has zero interest in such petty things as “Facts” or “Research” and who genuinely believes he can speak authoritatively on any subject, Biden off the leash could really go to town, unleashing his own unrestrained id with a willing, if much dumber, sparring partner.

It would be a debate for the ages. For all the wrong reasons, obviously, but for the ages nonetheless, and I want to watch it happen SO MUCH!

Alternately, Comedy Central could host the “Parallel Universe” Trump/Biden presidential debates. I’d watch that too.

But let’s be honest, part of the sick thrill is the danger of this taking place in real life, with actual policy decisions in the balance. Staged for the purposes of a show, much though Trump’s candidacy IS staged for the purposes of a show, I don’t know that it would have the same impact…