Sunday, January 29, 2012

Weekly Prompt Story: Portal

By Chris Munroe

I don’t know what’s on the other side of the portal.

When we bombarded the apparatus with tachyons, it just… opened. We’d hoped to prove time travel was possible, instead we tore open a wormhole to… somewhere.

Which is still cool, wormholes are awesome, don’t get me wrong. I could totally still win a Nobel Prize based on a stable, laboratory contained wormhole.

However, in order to do so, I need to know what’s on the other side.

…and no, I’m not going to pass through the portal to check.

You are.

Jesus, why do you think we hire interns?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Yet Another Story About Juggalos

Deep within his underground fortress on Juggalo Island, Violent J sits atop a throne of skulls, contemplating his future…

He’s no longer as young as once he was, and he was never all that cool. His forces are depleted, both by time and ill-conceived wars and rivalries, and he no longer stands athwart the world like the colossus he once dreamed of becoming.

Still, he manages to maintain some trace of that which once gave him his power.

Shaggy 2 Dope, after all, remains by his side, ever loyal to their shared cause.

His armies, though scattered to the four winds and seemingly lost forever, remain in their hearts true to him, merely awaiting his call to reapply their war paint and return to action.

And yes, they have enough Faygo. There will always be enough Faygo.

So he rises , his decision made, his resolve steeled, and prepares to announce his plans to those who serve him, and with whom he serves.

He’ll drop a new album in May.

The Dark Carnival will rise again.

And he’ll just have to pray that he can work his Miracles one more time…

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Weekly Prompt Story: Museum

By Chris Munroe

They took the last of my good ideas, and put it in a museum.

I was proud when the exhibit opened, and I visited every day for a while, but when I realized I had nothing more to say in my creative life, the visits became painful reminders of who I once was.

After a few months I could barely bring myself to look at it. Eventually I stopped going altogether.

Still, it’s proven to be a popular tourist attraction. Tickets to see it are constantly sold out!

“See?” They say to the tour groups, “Munsi wasn’t ALWAYS a hack!”

Thursday, January 19, 2012


There are fewer things more delicious in this life than the taste of fear.

Especially the fear of an innocent.

At least, that’s the premise of my new Food Network series “Taste the Fear”.

We bring in the freshest of ingredients, as well as people who have no idea they’re on television, and while my sous chefs do the prep-work for each week’s delicious gourmet dishes, I chase our “Special Guests” through an elaborately constructed death maze, threatening their lives with a variety of weapons.

It’s not exactly legal in any of the countries in which the show airs, but we film it on a cruise ship on international waters, and there’s no evidence that our Guests are kidnapped from any specific nation.

Foot Network lawyers assure me this muddies the legal waters enough that I’ll never be prosecuted. But even if this weren’t the case, I’d do it. It makes, after all, for incredible TV.

And moreover, it’s true.

There are fewer things more delicious in this life than someone else’s fear.

And at the end of each episode, when we eat that week’s Guests, their fear makes them taste sublime….

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Weekly Prompt Story: Forgiveness

By Chris Munroe

It’s written that forgiveness is divine.

So I started forgiving people. At first for actual things they’d done to wrong me, then for increasingly subtler flaws in their personal character.

By doing so, I expected to become divine. Not Divine the pop singer from the eighties, but rather all-powerful, a terrifying figure towering over the landscape like a colossus.

I planned use this power to crush my enemies. But I never approached that point, no matter how much I forgave.

So no, forgiveness is not divine.

It’s written that it is, but it’s not true. Still, I can forgive that…

Thursday, January 12, 2012


After the convention, the party got a little out of hand. Like, a lot out of hand.

Like, the next morning the newly selected candidate for President woke up naked, drenched in blood, next to a dead prostitute out of hand.

Like, a dead male prostitute out of hand.

Still, great party.

Anyway, he refused to step down as candidate, claiming the American people had chosen him because he was the only man who could lead the country out of crisis, and even when his bloodwork came back positive for meth he was convinced that he’d prevail in the general election.

The media coverage was a circus by the end of the first week, and as the election season wore on it only became worse and worse for him.

At first, he did what he could to combat the constant, intensely negative press he was receiving. He sent surrogates to fight for his reputation on the news and chat programs even as he sent lawyers to fight to keep him out of prison until after the election.

But when he was caught on tape saying “After I’m elected, I can just pardon myself. The President IS the law.” The surrogates willing to go on record as still supporting him kind of dried up.

And when it became known that he was siphoning campaign funds to pay his legal team, the donations dried up too.

By mid-October, people had more or less forgotten that there even were two people running for President. Which is probably bad for democracy.

Still, coming to politics as I did from Princeton’s Sociology department, I couldn’t help loving the spectacle.

There is, after all, a certain percentage of people who will always vote for their party’s candidate, regardless of that candidates identity.

And come November, we’ll finally know exactly what percentage that is.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Weekly Prompt Story: Mine

By Chris Munroe

I’ve bought a land mine!

I picked it up cheap at a military surplus store on a whim. Don’t know exactly why, but when I saw it I just knew I had to have it.

I brought it home, cleaned it up, fixed the detonating mechanism, and buried it in my front yard.

Then I ordered a pizza.

Now I’m sitting by my living room window, looking out at the yard, waiting for the show to start.

Is that wrong? Perhaps. Necessary? Perhaps not. Nonetheless, I don’t regret a thing.

A mine is, after all, a terrible thing to waste…

Thursday, January 5, 2012

New Year's Resolution

The tasering has gotten out of control. Even I have to admit that.

When I first got the damned thing, I promised I’d only taser people in self-defense, or when they REALLY deserved it. But as time went on, the convenience of having it at my side proved too tempting for me to resist.

All it takes is one really bad day, and one person needling you at exactly the wrong moment, and suddenly you’re the guy holding a taser with a body at his feet.

He was all like “Don’t tase me, bro!” and I was all like “I’m not your bro.” and then I tased him again. It was awesome.

And once that floodgates open…

Before long I was tasering people left and right. To get out of standing in lines, if somebody was talking too loud on his cell phone, or just people chosen at random, out of sheer boredom.

It’s fun to watch them twitch.

Still, you can’t solve all your problems by tasering them, and it really has gotten out of hand. I mean, I’m hurting strangers. A lot of strangers. And I’d never considered myself the sort of person who’d do that for no reason.

Also, I imagine there might be some sort of legal repercussion at some point.

So for my New Years resolution I’ve promised to taser fewer people.



No, I’m not getting rid of the taser entirely, that’s ridiculous. Just… less tasering, going forward.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Weekly Prompt Story 2012: The Return

The Return
By Chris Munroe
with thanks to Cyanide and Happiness

I’m bringing sexy back.

You see, I received sexy for Christmas, and while it’s lovely it doesn’t really… go with my lifestyle.

I’m more an “awkwardly charming” person.

I hope they accept it. I don’t have the receipt but it’s immediately post Christmas and I’m sure they’re getting a lot of attributes returned.

They might only give me store credit, and that’s fine. I’ll exchange it for little more talent to add to the meager pile I have.

Either way, I’ll be bringing sexy back.

It was fun to play with, but I have no use for it long term…