Thursday, January 5, 2012

New Year's Resolution

The tasering has gotten out of control. Even I have to admit that.

When I first got the damned thing, I promised I’d only taser people in self-defense, or when they REALLY deserved it. But as time went on, the convenience of having it at my side proved too tempting for me to resist.

All it takes is one really bad day, and one person needling you at exactly the wrong moment, and suddenly you’re the guy holding a taser with a body at his feet.

He was all like “Don’t tase me, bro!” and I was all like “I’m not your bro.” and then I tased him again. It was awesome.

And once that floodgates open…

Before long I was tasering people left and right. To get out of standing in lines, if somebody was talking too loud on his cell phone, or just people chosen at random, out of sheer boredom.

It’s fun to watch them twitch.

Still, you can’t solve all your problems by tasering them, and it really has gotten out of hand. I mean, I’m hurting strangers. A lot of strangers. And I’d never considered myself the sort of person who’d do that for no reason.

Also, I imagine there might be some sort of legal repercussion at some point.

So for my New Years resolution I’ve promised to taser fewer people.



No, I’m not getting rid of the taser entirely, that’s ridiculous. Just… less tasering, going forward.


  1. Har.. don't give me ideas man!
    Reninded me of Cartman getting tasered whilst singing his xmas carol.. There are so many good reasons to taser..It would cheer up the dark days of winter, that's for sure.

  2. You just know that this New Years resolution is not going to last very long, don't ya?