Thursday, January 30, 2014

Brace Yourself

When the announcement was initially made, we were all quite naturally shocked.

Harper took the podium, cleared his throat, stared out into the assembled reporters and, in a loud steady voice, announced that for the past two years he’d been using a system of secret weather-control satellites to move Calgary’s winter to the northeastern United States.

He explained that Calgary was part of a pilot program that, now proven successful, would be extended through the rest of Canada, that every Canadian might enjoy unseasonably mild winters.

Prime Minister Harper conceded that yes, Americans no doubt would not like the bitterly cold winters that we would shortly be shipping them, but pointed out that unless they were willing to invest in a weather control program of their own there would be little they could do about that. And, with the focus they’ve of late been devoting to deficit reduction, it was unlikely that they would be willing to do so with their political climate being what it was.

With this in mind, Harper believed that we could ship our winters south with very little in the way of meaningful consequences, and that therefore we ought to. If all went according to plan, the satellites would be online within the week and winter as we knew it would soon be, across this great nation, a thing of the past.

He then proceeded to call an election.

It’s a tough decision that I’m now faced with. I do not like Stephen Harper, either personally or politically. I work for minimum wage plus tips and I’m active in the arts, so I get the impression he doesn’t like me either, and he believes in basically everything I don’t believe in. Nearly every word out of his mouth strikes my as small and petty and hypocritical. Plus, keeping it real, I’m basically a socialist, so it’s only natural I’d find him abhorrent.

At the same time: Weather control satellites, man!

And also: I hate winter so much!

I know I shouldn’t vote Conservative, I do know that. I’ve been unhappy with the Harper government in general, and I’m surely not a single-issue voter. But awesome technology/no more winter in Canada ever again is an AMAZING single issue, and when asked Harper assured us that he and only he knew the codes to the satellites and that no, he would not be passing the information along to a successor. This kind of makes me hate him even more, billions in taxpayer dollars were spent learning how to control the weather and it’s the very definition of a public good, he has no right to keep the operating codes, but the fact that only one Prime Minister could free us from winter weather does paradoxically make me more likely to support his continued candidacy.

I hate him more, but I’m more likely to vote for him in spite of that. Which, I know, was his intent. He doesn’t need my respect or admiration, merely my vote.

The Tory’s are not my party, they never have been and never will, I don’t know why I’m even thinking about this, but I am, God help me I am. And if I vote for them, will I be able to live with myself?

When it’s plus ten in January, I might be able to. Or at least, I might loathe myself in a little more comfort.

Ah well…

…the election isn’t for another few weeks.

I’ll figure it out.

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