I want to make a movie, and I want it to star P. Diddy.
Does P. Diddy even make movies? Because if he’s going to
star in mine, it would be helpful if he were also an actor.
It would be fine if he weren’t, don’t get me wrong, non
actors make movies with varying degrees of success every year, but it would be
helpful if he were…
Anywho, I want to make a movie, for children, and I want for
it to star popular New York hip-hop icon P. Diddy, as well as being based upon
one of his more popular songs.
More Monkeys, More Problems, my movie will be called.
Essentially Diddy, playing himself, inherits one hundred monkeys from a distant
relative who in life had owned a circus, finds through a series of unusual to
the point of wacky circumstances that he can neither give these monkeys away
nor find an appropriate caregiver for them and, when he’s forced to go about
his business as a rap mogul trailed by a sizable parade of monkeys, hilarity
ensues.
It’s 101 Dalmations but with trained monkeys, basically.
Because everyone loved 101 Dalmations and trained monkeys are clearly funnier
than dogs could ever be.
Anyway, at first P. Diddy’s life is turned upside down by
the sudden influx of circus animals, as you would expect, but as the film
progresses he grows to love them, to the point that he couldn’t imagine living
without them.
He can, after all, afford to keep them easily enough, as he does
have P. Diddy money going on.
And then, in the third act, the monkeys save P. Diddy’s
life, or he saves theirs, from some sort of evil, anti-monkey conglomerate. I’m
not sure how that will wind up playing out to be honest, there are third act
problems in the script that WILL have to be ironed out before the first day of
filming, but the money-shot is a helicopter lifting off a skyscraper in
downtown New York with dozens of monkeys hanging off it, P. Diddy chasing
behind.
It’s going to be a badass action comedy, but with a lot of
heart. The sort of thing that manages to be simultaneously “High Concept” and
“Feel Good.” Fun for the whole family, the sort of thing you could take anybody
out to see.
Anyway, that’s my notion. If any of you know how I can get
in contact with P. Diddy, I’d really appreciate it, I think that a film like
this really does have a lot of potential. It’ll never be a tent pole flick,
obviously, but as a modestly budgeted family comedy it may well wind up over-performing.
And, of course, the soundtrack would be an automatic hit.
The lead single, after all, would be performed by Will Smith. No reason, I just
like when he raps the plot to a popular movie…
