Thursday, December 3, 2015

...on paintball.

New idea for a business: Let’s open a paintball range.

Now; I know paintball ranges already exist, paintball ranges built within warehouses, paintball ranges out in the woods, paintball ranges for every occasion, in every style, for every theme, and with this in mind you might think that opening a paintball range would not qualify as a “New” idea.

I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. This is a very new idea, because MY paintball range will offer a service no other range will offer.

What service is that? Why, it’s so simple that when I tell you you’ll be shocked that nobody’s thought to do this already…

You see, my paintball range will offer, in addition to many the enjoyable afternoon of paintball that we’ve all come to expect from such a place, a special, private session for two, in which you and a friend, or indeed a rival, can participate in a very special form of conflict resolution.

The room will be smaller than the regular course, of course, and a gun and one paintball will be provided each complainant. The grievance will be heard and one last opportunity given for either party to back down, to abandon his or her claim, to admit the other right that conflict might yet be averted.

And then, assuming neither party chooses to do so, ten paces, turn and fire.

There’s an old-schooliness to settling disputes with pistols at dawn whose appeal is undeniable, even if in this modern age murdering somebody just to win an argument is frowned upon, and I feel like paintball would be a good, legal, nonlethal way to bring back some of the magic of a bygone era. You each take your shot, if one hits the other the argument’s settled, if not honor is at minimum defended and you go your separate ways, agreeing never to speak on the matter over which you fought ever again. It wouldn’t be the sort of solution everyone would be drawn to, or the sort you’d apply to every problem, but I think enough people would take us up on the offered service that it would be a proven success for us.

At minimum it would be a great opportunity to slap the shit out of somebody with a glove.

So that’s my idea for a business, and I think you’ll agree it’s a good one. We’ll be providing a service no other paintball course provides, and it will be a service people genuinely want, though they may not know that they want it right now.

Business, as they say, will boom.

My excellent reasoning has convinced you of the worthiness of my plan, yes? You will approve my loan?

You won’t?

Sir, I’m deeply offended by the implications your refusal has regarding my ability to run a small business, and I assure you, this insult will not stand!

I shall meet you in front of this bank at dawn, and we shall settle this like men!

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