Thursday, January 1, 2015

My New Year's Resolutions

The time has come once more, ladies and gentlemen, in which a young man’s mind turns to self-improvement, and to that end toward the lofty goals that one might set oneself in the hopes that through such goals one might be made more perfect in this mortal life…

I am that one, my friends, I am that one indeed, and while I am no longer by anyone’s definition a “young” man, I have set myself such goals with just such hopes in mind. To that end, that you might hold me accountable for my own success over the course of the coming year, I should like to make my New Year’s Resolutions public, to bare them plain for the world to see.

I do hereby, in that spirit, resolve…

1) To solve more of my problems with the threat of physical violence.

I suspect that I do this to a certain degree already without even realizing that it’s happening. Let’s face it, and if you’ve ever seen me you’ll agree, I’m kind of built to solve my problems with the implied threat of physical violence.

I’m six foot three, two twenty pounds and change, and reasonably solidly built, there are likely confrontations I naturally avoid due to my size and stature without even noticing that it’s happening. Which is so great, I do my best to recognize and appreciate the instances in which my privilege smoothes the way for me, and this is certainly one such instance, but going forward I’m going to really concentrate on upping my game with regard to physically intimidating the people around me into giving me what I want without my having to earn it. After all, I can only be the truest version of myself, and the truest version of me is large, hulking, intimidating, and could stand to be much, much more of all three…

2) To deny science more aggressively.

Full disclosure, I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to go the “Climate Change Denial” route or the full Antivaxxer, but every time I meet somebody who can look at proven, established science and confidently assert, “Nuh-uh, is not!” I can’t help but feel an enormous respect for their commitment to what they believe.

Anyone can be confident in their beliefs if their beliefs happen to be true, after all, real courage is the courage to cling tenaciously so theories that are long since disproven and discredited, theories against which the vast majority of scientists have come together in opposition and mountains of contrary evidence exists.

I want to possess such courage, for courage is the path of the warrior, and in the New Year I will do my best to live up to the standards set by my antivaxxing, climate-change denying forbears…

3) To develop an opinion about Kim Kardashian.

I know, I know, I promise this every year. But this year I feel really good about it, Kim K is in the news now more than ever, and I’m pretty sure that if I hunker down and really start paying attention I can by the end of the year, when her name comes up, either love, hate, or in any event come up with some response to her mention other than a bored shrug and uninterested “meh.”

This time for sure!

4) To get way more serious about my Murder-Sculpture.

Okay, I’ll admit, this one may be the result of watching too much Hannibal. Still, some of the murder-sculpture on that show is amazing, and they really put the murder/performance art I’ve been doing here in town to shame. I know, I can’t expect to be working to the same level as the team on a major network television program, but come on! I’m a creative, talented sociopath, and I could be leaving corpses in MUCH more interesting predicaments in an attempt to taunt local law enforcement!

And that’s not even including the possibilities that open up to me once I start manipulating the people around me into their own murder sprees! Yes, if I play 2015 right Calgary could be an absolute bloodbath by the end of next year, and while it may have taken a television show to remind me of this fact, by Zod now that I do remember it I’ll do my best to live up to the example Hannibal’s set me!

5) To start a New Year’s Revolution!

Another holdover from last year, I did not lead the populace in open rebellion against an oppressive regime at any point during the past twelve months. Again, this is nobody’s fault but my own, things got on top of me and this promise I made to myself just sort of slipped my mind. Life gets in the way sometimes, you know how it is.

This year for sure, however! I will choose a small, oppressed nation, I will go there, I will lead its people and, on December 31st, we will together overthrow the previous regime! The headline writes itself, all we have to do is make the news, it will be magical!

Alternately, a late-December crime spree. “New Year’s Thieves” does have a lovely ring to it…

…so there we are! My goals for the New Year, achievable all and well worth pursuing each and every one, I think you will agree. I know these will not be easy to follow through on, resolutions worth their salt never are, but if I can make even one or two of these a reality, the benefit both to me and to the people around me will be undeniable. Looking forward to the year ahead, I see great things in my future, and I look forward to keeping you updated as to how my resolutions go!

Keep me honest, you guys! Especially with regard to the murder-sculpture!



  1. Don't forget to use the death stare. I find that particularly useful at adding to the physical violence threat to the point it's completely passive.

    Good luck on the murder-sculpture. That's quite the challenge.

  2. This is just chock full of writing prompts for new stories!