Rumours

I’d like to take a moment, if I may, to address certain ugly rumors that have, of late, been circulating about me.

I’d been tempted to leave the matter be, to let the people who want to gossip gossip, but when I hear the same petty, hurtful things about me again and again from people who don’t even know one another, I know that the problem’s gotten out of hand. And, since I maintain this blog as a tool with which to communicate my thoughts to the world, it occurred to me that this might be the appropriate venue in which to say a few words on my own behalf, in an attempt set the record straight.

Okay:

The notion has been raised in certain quarters that I’m a cyborg from the future, sent back in time by a shadowy cartel of mysterious figures to subjugate humanity and crush the world beneath my horrible boot.

Further, it’s been whispered that I’m only here at all to lay the groundwork for a culture within which my rule is welcomed rather than feared, so that when the time comes I can hand off the reigns of power over the earth to that same cartel with minimal resistance from the once-free peoples of the world.

Moreover, some believe that everything I’ve done to this point, the blogging, the fiction writing, the bizarre, stream of consciousness twitter feed, and most of all the dinner theater and standup gigs, have been nothing more than an attempt to convince the world’s governments that I’m harmless, so that when the time comes they won’t suspect a thing until it’s too late.

This is all, of course, ridiculous.

I’m not a cyborg, and I’ll happily provide medical records to that effect.

I’m not from the future, and while I do travel in time I can only do so slowly, and forward, just like everyone else.

I have never been in contact with, nor am I certain of the existence of, shadowy cartels bent on world domination. Even if I did know of such cartels, I would be against their taking over the world in a general way, and while it’s unlikely I’d oppose them directly I’d certainly be morally supportive of the people who did.

And lastly, and perhaps most importantly, any subjugation of humanity I might choose to partake in, and this I do most solemnly promise, would be for my own personal amusement and serve no purpose beyond that.

When I crush the world beneath my horrible boot, I’ll be doing it for me.

I hope this alleviates some of your concerns, and I’m glad to have had this opportunity to clear the matter up to everyone’s mutual satisfaction.

Now: Kneel before Munsi.