Friday, March 20, 2015

...on economics.

The time has come, I think, for me to fix the Canadian economy.

Yes, me specifically. Who else is going to? And, before you answer, remember that whomever you were going to say has yet to step up and affect meaningful change in this particular realm. I am offering to. Put me in charge of Canada’s economy and I guarantee you, within two years we shall see growth and prosperity beyond our wildest dreams.

Not a guarantee.

You have, I presume, heard tell of the theory of “trickle down” economics, in which money is provided to those at the top of our current economic hierarchy, who then proceed to hire people, to invest it, allowing our economy to grow, that that money might trickle down onto the rest of us, allowing everyone a better life. A rising tide, and all that. We have tried this in many places, through lower taxes for invested income and subsidies to corporate interests and, in general, it has not worked. The average person in the industrial west, adjusted for inflation, is no richer than they were in 1980. In fact, many are poorer. Therefore, clearly, a new approach is required, the sort of bold, visionary action plan so simple that you’d wonder why no one had thought of it before. Fear not, fellow citizens, for I have one such plan, a plan I’ve dubbed “trickle OUT economics”, in which all the money trickles out from me. This economic theory will ensure that everything that matters is properly funded, and the process by which it’s funded couldn’t be any more simple...

Give me all the money.

All of it.

I guarantee you, I will spend it.

This IS a guarantee.

Give me all the money, in one lump sum, ideally in small bills, and I absolutely will have spent every penny of it within my lifetime. I will spend it on things that I like, on things that I believe in, and as I do, the things I like, and the industries that create those things, will grow, hiring people, providing jobs for those who need them in fields that I personally take an interest in. Companies I don’t care about, conversely, will wither and die, and I will barely notice, because I don’t care about what those companies had been doing. And if I don’t notice or care, does something really matter?

Clearly it does not.

Thus, everything important (to me, specifically) will be fully funded at all times, and as such the economy will grow, and thrive, receiving all the stimulation it needs to do so.

The economy, you see, is like my cock. Sometimes it needs to be stimulated in order to grow. And I am not afraid to stimulate either one, when the need arises. Because while I would not call myself a hero, or a genius, I will pay you to call me those things once I have been given all the money.

Some of you might ask, “But wouldn’t this create a system whereby you essentially rule the world, and the rest of us serve as your vassals?” and to this I say, “Perhaps. But fear not, vassals, for I am not afraid.”

The burden of this responsibility is one that I am strong enough to bear, and bear gladly, that our economy might prosper under my leadership. The things that I care about WILL prosper, and I WILL rule you in accordance with my beliefs, my principals and, when I’m drinking, my whims, never once complaining that what has been asked of me is too much.

Because somebody has to, after all, and I’d rather it be me than anyone else I can think of. Give me all the money and I will never once complain about the hardship spending it is causing me, I will never shirk my responsibility, never say no to my naked id. I will fix the economy, Canada, I will make it hum again.

Just give me all the money, and let this bright new age begin!

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