Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Moon

Since the dawn of time, it’s been the dream of every human being to reach up into the sky and destroy the moon.

What do you mean, no it hasn’t?

Just me? Huh, weird. I’d assumed everyone felt the same burning hatred I did when they looked up at that big smug sphere floating up there in the sky, dickishly smirking down at us as we go about our lives like a hideous, unblinking eye, watching what it has no right to watch.


I’m serious, I’m sick of that thing, I’m sick of it’s arrogance, the way it just sits there in the middle of the sky like it owns the place, like it thinks it’s somehow better than the rest of us down here, somehow above us, I’m sick of how it comes and goes as it pleases without so much as a how-do-you-do or an attempt to ask our permission to intrude upon our night. And most of all, more than anything else, I am sick of the Werewolves.

You guys, I can’t even with the Werewolves. For reals. If I never have to fight another werewolf again in my life it’ll be too soon.

And, with a little bit of luck, I’ll never have to fight another werewolf again in my life, because we’re finally, finally doing it. We’re going to blow up the moon!

No need to thank me.

Oh, right, right, it’s just me that wants that and you have no reason to thank me, I’d forgotten.

Anyway, we’re going to blow up the moon. We’ve built the rocket, my team’s in place and we’ve bought a number of tactical nukes from breakaway former soviet satellites, a process that was distressingly easy to do. We seriously have got to crack down on loose nukes at some point, you guys. I bought, like, a LOT of nukes and never once even felt like I was in any danger of being caught, and I’m not even that smart.

But that’s a project for another day, methinks. Today, the moon must die!

Or, to be more precise, Tuesday next the moon must die, because that’s when we’re scheduled to launch. When the sun rises on Monday, be sure to say goodbye to that fat, evil orb for the last time, because you’ll never have to suffer under its oppressive gaze again! And finally, FINALLY we will be free, free of werewolves but most importantly free of the moon itself! Free!!!

Oh, I know what you’re thinking, something-something-the-tides-worldwide-destruction-something. And also: But what if astronauts some day go to a planet that has more than one moon, and they don’t know until they get there that one of them is a werewolf and he transforms into a wolf ALL the time because two moons and there’s nothing any of them can do because they didn’t pack a gun with silver bullets for their trip to outer space because who even brings a gun with silver bullets to outer space anyway?

And to that I say: Try not to worry.

Oh, worry about the tides, that’s going to be disastrous in ways I can’t even begin to predict, that will be just horrible.

But don’t worry about the astronaut-werewolf thing, it probably won’t be a problem, and if it is, it’s a future-astronaut-werewolf problem, not a you-here-now problem. I’m sure they’ll come up with something. They’re astronauts, they’re pretty smart.

Though I’ll admit, a team of astronauts where one member is a werewolf visiting a planet with two moons that turn him into a wolf full time would make a great ‘50s B-movie.

Okay, you know what? Forget about destroying the moon, new plan: Let’s make a movie!


  1. lol, I think this is my favorite thing you've written. I honestly, didn't see the werewolf thing coming!

  2. Ha! I'm glad he decided to put his money into a movie instead. The werewolf-astronaut thing got a good laugh out of me. :)

  3. I wonder what the resale market is for nukes so he can finance that movie? Cute story.

  4. I really hope you got Bruce Willis to lead the Moon-blowing-up Expedition :-) I also greatly enjoyed the pragmatism of the solution.