Friday, July 12, 2013 open letter to the SyFy network.

After the unparalleled success, both commercially and creatively, of such films as Shark Swarm, Sharktopus and Sharknado, many are left wondering, what will SyFy do next? How will they continue their unassailable streak of enduring classics?  What kind of deranged mind might be able to write the sort of bizarre, nonsensical genre fare that the discerning viewers of the SyFy network have grown to expect, nay demand?

Wait, aren’t I deranged? And don’t I write nonsensical genre fare? Why am I asking myself rhetorical questions rather than getting on with it? Don’t I owe it to myself, to SyFy, and indeed to the world, to pitch a few ideas for future films in the hopes that word gets back to the network, that they might then cut me a medium-sized cheque to write some scripts?

Answer: Yes! Yes, yes and oh my God yes! And on that note, I’d like to preempt my normal Friday offering with this: Five quick ideas for future SyFy original films.

1) Since the dawn of time, man has looked at shark and thought “Not deadly enough”. And in one secret government lab, a team of scientists wed shark and machine into a hybrid more deadly than anything the world has ever known. But when that hybrid is unexpectedly freed by animal rights activists, can any of us be safe from: Sharkborg!

2) 1939. The Reich has the world on the ropes, and it seems as though free men and free nations might soon be things of the past. But one archaeologist has uncovered the possible location of a mythical super-shark, one that might just turn the tide of the war. Will he find it before the Nazi’s? Tune in to find out, in: Raiders of the Lost Shark!

3) Many considered him mad when he cloned a prehistoric shark, and perhaps he was, but everyone can agree, doing so without looking into the nature of the experiment conducted in the compound next door was at the very least negligent. After his new pet was bitten by an infectee, it returned from beyond the grave with an even greater hunger for flesh than it’d had previous, in: Megalodon of the Dead!

4) An elite team of US fighter pilots is called up when a rain of sharks falls upon the unsuspecting people of New York City. But even with the most advanced military technology the Unites States Air Force has to offer, do they stand a chance against the sharkslaught? Find out in: Jets Vs. Sharks!

5) T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Under the house, however, indeed under the city, angry sharks patrolled the sewer system, and the only thing standing between the peaceful townsfolk and festive sharkful doom are two rogue members of the heavenly host, willing to put themselves through hell to save Christmas, in: “Shark!” The Herald Angels Sing!

…we can all agree, I think, that while these movies might not be “any good” in the traditional sense, they would be awesome, and thus I put it to you, gentle reader, to spread the word. Share my proposed SyFy movies with whomever you can think of, that they might one day get back to powerful network heads and, dream of dreams, make it to television. And on that day, truly we can all raise our voices in joy!

If only in the moments before we’re all no doubt eaten by sharks…


  1. I could see every single one of these on the network but I have a suggestion: skip the middle man and make it yourself. All you need is a couple of cameras, a computer running terribly outdated CGI editing, a porn star, amateur actor and maybe a 1980's pop icon with nothing else going on and a set you could easily build in your basement. We could host a bake sale with shark-shaped cupcakes and easily make all the funds you'd need. And then YOU, my friend, would be the next big name on SyFy!

  2. Beverly's scathing commentary on SyFy might be onto something there.
    If you don't want to make it yourself, I'd throw my energy toward getting someone to pick up Raiders of Lost Shark. I would most certainly go see that movie and I'm sure everyone will agree it is an instant cinematic classic when the climatic end comes where they find they can't remove the shark from the water and both the Nazis and half the heroes' party are eaten because they fell in.

  3. I'm sure by now you've a large check in your hand from SyFy. :) Super fun stuff!

  4. Wasn't Kickstarter designed just for ideas like these? Get the money up front!