My career in politics was not a long one...

You misunderstand, I know what our problems are AND I know how to fix them.

Everyone knows about the challenges we face, and in general they’re all solvable, with a little effort and a little shared sacrifice. It’s not a complex matter to get us back up and running. Wouldn’t take long either.

It’s just that I have absolutely no intention of doing any of the required things.

Because I don’t care. I don’t care because “our” problems aren’t OUR problems.

They’re yours. Or, more precisely, they’re your children’s.

I have no children of my own, so long term deficits don’t matter to me. Neither does global warming, the state of the education system or providing for the comfort of retirees fifty years from now. By fifty years from now I’ll be dead, and no generation will succeed me specifically, so from my point of view it’ll be a totally irrelevant point.

Why, then, plan for a future that neither my nonexistent offspring nor I will be around to enjoy? It’s somebody else’s problem, so let somebody else deal with it. My time, I think, would be better spent dealing with the problems of the present without the distraction of what tomorrow might bring.

To that end, I would like to suggest massive increases in spending, both economically stimulative and social, and an abolition of all forms of taxes effective immediately. This will provide for short-term economic growth, which, as I’ve already implied, is the only sort of economic growth I give a damn about. Similarly, I’d like to suggest the immediate abolition of regulation on our nation’s businesses, as the majority of regulation is meant to deal with the consequences of our actions, either for other people today or for future generations, while I’m more interested in the actions themselves.

I am, after all, a man of action. Consequences can be left for other days and weaker-willed men.

If elected, I promise that I will do what I can to help myself, today. And those of you who are in situations similar to mine will also benefit, if only peripherally. This is my promise to you and, if elected, I will keep this promise.

And as to those of you who’s circumstance is different from mine, or who do care about the future, let me say this: I do not, and will never care about your problems. Because they are not my problems, and I have absolutely no empathy for anyone different than myself.

Vote for me anyway.

My opponent feels the exact same way as I do, after all, and will behave in the exact same way once safely in office.

And I at least have enough respect for your intelligence to be honest and up front about it.