Panic Room

The world is a more dangerous place today than it’s ever been in history.

I mean, obviously it isn’t.

My parents grew up during the Cold War, and lived with the specter of nuclear annihilation hanging over their head for decades, never even knowing what it might be like to be free of that constant threat.

My grandparents met while doing their part to fight a war that burned most of Europe to the ground, and so did my great-grandparents.

Still, in spite of how demonstrably safe I am in my suburban home in Canada, it FEELS more dangerous today than ever before, doesn’t it?

I’ve heard theories that this is due to the nature of news coverage and the need to fill 24 hours a day with news-like programming that draws enough viewer attention to sell advertising, but I don’t know if I have an opinion on that...

What I do know is that the world feels dangerous, more dangerous than it’s ever been.

And so, I’ve had a panic room installed in my home.

I know, I live in a safe neighborhood in one of the safest cities in the country, and the crime rate’s been consistently trending downward for decades, even with the recession, but I can’t be too careful when it comes to my personal safety.

I’m worth it.

I can’t really afford it, but that’s a matter I’ll deal with when my credit card bills come due. Or when they start calling me with warnings.

Or when they turn the account over to collections agents.

In the meantime, panic room!

It’s absolutely fantastic, I’ve spared no expense. It locks from the inside, obviously, and there’s no way to get somebody out of it if they’re unwilling to go.

The walls are reinforced with concrete, but covered on the inside with thick foam padding to prevent any sort of injury occurring.

The room is well lit, but completely free of furniture. When I’m inside it I’m there alone, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.

And late at night, when I can’t handle some aspect of my personal life, or when the dangers of the modern world start to get to me, I can get out of my bed, creep downstairs, lock myself inside my brand new panic room, and freak the fuck out to my heart’s content…