The Day it All Went Down

They took city hall, guns blazing, trapping the Mayor, councilmen and assorted reporters inside. And worse, rumor was they’d snuck in an atomic device.

Their demands were insane, nonsensical, impossible, but SWAT teams had no way in without endangering the hostages.

The only chance to save the city was one man, working alone, under the radar, with nothing left to lose…

…and here I was, one day away from retirement.

Fortunately, I’d taken vacation time in the lead-up to retirement and didn’t have to deal with any part of it.

I watched the whole thing on CNN.

It was exciting!

Why I'm Not Allowed to Make Big-Budget Hollywood Films

I want to make a movie.

Basically, I want a film where a Centaur in a near-future Detroit goes to work for the police force.

Part man, part horse, all cop.

I’ll be running it film noir style, when he starts out investigating the murder of a particle physicist, killed shortly before the activation of his new, clean-energy producing centaur-fuge, but as the story progresses he’ll be drawn deeper into a world-spanning conspiracy, as what seems at first to be a simple murder investigation quickly spirals beyond his control, and he realizes that he’s discovered the crime of the centaur-ey.

Meanwhile, his parents, two tradition-minded centaurs, who still live in the forest, hunt with bows, and help adventurers briefly in the third act, disapprove strongly of his choice to become a cop in Neo-Detroit, and much will be made of the friction between our lead and his father. This conflict will be the emotional centaur of our story.

But don’t worry, I won’t be overly centaur-mental with how I handle it.

I’m in talks with Antony Hopkins, as I’m confident he’ll give a centaur-de-force performance in my little film. He always does. I’m not sure, however, if I’ll be using him as the father, or as the chief of police under which our lead works. The chief will be an older, wiser, Obi-Wan-style figure in our lead’s life, who helps him find the answers he needs to resolve both the case AND his friction with his family.

Sort of a mentor-centaur.

It will also feature an original soundtrack by Pat Cenitar.

Will this movie be successful? Who can say? Financially I would imagine not. Artistically? Also unlikely, I imagine it’ll be centorture to watch.

Still, if you judge a film by its ability to make me laugh my head off, I think this one will do quite well…

NEXT WEEK: I want to make a movie about a blind, retired army colonel, who hires a lady centaur to take care of him over the Thanksgiving weekend. I’ll call it: Centaur a Woman.

Blackouts

So: Here I am. Hanging upside down from a helicopter while a man fires down at me with an Uzi.

Fortunately, the chopper’s pilot has long since been killed, and as the helicopter spins out of control the man’s having a harder and harder time aiming the weapon.

Due to this, he’s yet to hit me as I swing back and forth from the rope that ties my ankle to the helicopter, but he’s come close more than once.

And as all this is happening, I’m wracking my brain, trying to remember…

…how on Earth did I wind up here? 

Action Movie

When I shot him he exploded like a water balloon full of blood.

So I was in an action movie. Awesome.

Squad behind me, I waded through crowds of enemies like they were nothing. Wasn’t fair, wasn’t fun, but God it was easy.

And kind of fun, I admit.

Eventually we came upon a scarred, balding man who’d looked like he’d been through one fight too many.

I laughed and charged.

And he knocked my head off with a single blow.

As he charged into my squad, my head thought to itself; in action movies, be sure you’re the lead….

A Poorly Conceived Love Story

You believe yourself a person with hopes, dreams and desires. But if you are, nobody will ever know what they are.

Because ’til now, you didn’t exist.

You’re immortal, ageless, forever beautiful. Always swept up in danger, never truly endangered.

You’re a beautiful empty suit, the cipher into which the world pours hopes and dreams, symbolizing everything to everyone and nothing of weight.

Yet they barely tolerate your presence.

For you are the romantic female lead in an action film. And while I do love you, deeply and truly, I have to go. There are people who need killing now.

Instinct

When Bruce Willis got on the plane, I was apprehensive.

I mean, Bruce Willis doesn’t do “safe” or “relaxing”. When he‘s around bullets get fired, and things explode. I just wanted to make my connecting flight in Minneapolis, I wanted no part of it.

I chided myself afterward, the notion’s ridiculous. The man’s an actor, nothing more, and I’d equated him so much with the characters he played that his very presence was enough to unsettle me.

Now, handcuffed to my seat, a gun to my head, I’m trying not to hyperventilate and reminding myself; learn to trust my instincts.