Why I'm Not Allowed to Make Big-Budget Hollywood Films

I want to make a movie.

Basically, I want a film where a Centaur in a near-future Detroit goes to work for the police force.

Part man, part horse, all cop.

I’ll be running it film noir style, when he starts out investigating the murder of a particle physicist, killed shortly before the activation of his new, clean-energy producing centaur-fuge, but as the story progresses he’ll be drawn deeper into a world-spanning conspiracy, as what seems at first to be a simple murder investigation quickly spirals beyond his control, and he realizes that he’s discovered the crime of the centaur-ey.

Meanwhile, his parents, two tradition-minded centaurs, who still live in the forest, hunt with bows, and help adventurers briefly in the third act, disapprove strongly of his choice to become a cop in Neo-Detroit, and much will be made of the friction between our lead and his father. This conflict will be the emotional centaur of our story.

But don’t worry, I won’t be overly centaur-mental with how I handle it.

I’m in talks with Antony Hopkins, as I’m confident he’ll give a centaur-de-force performance in my little film. He always does. I’m not sure, however, if I’ll be using him as the father, or as the chief of police under which our lead works. The chief will be an older, wiser, Obi-Wan-style figure in our lead’s life, who helps him find the answers he needs to resolve both the case AND his friction with his family.

Sort of a mentor-centaur.

It will also feature an original soundtrack by Pat Cenitar.

Will this movie be successful? Who can say? Financially I would imagine not. Artistically? Also unlikely, I imagine it’ll be centorture to watch.

Still, if you judge a film by its ability to make me laugh my head off, I think this one will do quite well…

NEXT WEEK: I want to make a movie about a blind, retired army colonel, who hires a lady centaur to take care of him over the Thanksgiving weekend. I’ll call it: Centaur a Woman.