The Beast lurks, out in the woods.
In the woods It lurks, awaiting prey, and any who venture
out into the woods do so warily, with greatest care, for they know, as they
have always known, as they have been taught since childhood, that there, in the
woods, lurks a Beast, and that any who face this beast must first abandon hope
that they might be anything but Its prey…
Full disclosure: The Beast is not, as of this moment,
lurking in the woods.
The woods are SO BORING, you guys, there is like nothing to
do out there, and the Beast can’t be expected to spend all day, every day,
lurking, awaiting prey. I mean, come on, seriously? Seriously? You expect It to
literally just lurk twenty-four/seven, waiting for someone from one of the
nearby villages to venture out into the woods, alone, and fall into Its
clutches? I mentioned the part where everyone in all of the nearby villages has
been taught since they were children that a Beast lurks in the woods, awaiting
prey, right?
So no, while The Beast does lurk in the woods, there is no
Beast in the woods this very moment.
The Beast has shit to do, you guys.
The Beast has gotten into standup comedy recently, at a
couple of local open mic’s, and while It admits Its set isn’t very good yet, It
finds the whole process a great deal of fun and is grateful to have found such
a warm, welcoming group with whom to perform.
The Beast is teaching Itself the banjo, and has been
attending a local Celtic music jam at a coffee bar on the outskirts of town, in
one of the more upscale neighborhoods. It has surprised Itself at how naturally
the banjo has come, never previously having suspected that It might have any
natural aptitude for music.
The Beast has, of late, been frequenting a local BDSM club,
where It’s discovered that an actual primal, eldritch, man-eating,
forest-dwelling monster beyond human description or comprehension can find
Itself VERY popular among a certain type of submissive.
The Beast has no interest in pursuing this any further, but
It finds the attention enormously flattering.
The Beast is a fully fleshed-out, completely unique
individual, is what I’m saying, It is a real, living thing with thoughts and
hopes and dreams and feelings and an internal life every bit as real and
meaningful as your own, and it does not appreciate being stereotyped as a
one-note monster lurking in the woods, waiting to kill and eat your children.
Although It IS a monster and, should your children venture
out into the woods unattended, It WILL eat them. That’s still a large part of
who The Beast is, it’s just not ALL the beast is.
If you catch the distinction there.
So yes, The Beast lurks in the woods, and while no, It is
not lurking there right this very second it will, with time, return to the
woods, once more to lurk, once more to await prey, and since you do not have a
copy of The Beast’s schedule you will never know with certainty whether The
Beast is in the woods or not at any given moment, and as such will find it
would be safer to treat the woods as though The Beast were lurking within,
rather than take the chance that The Beast has a cold or something this week
and has chosen to cancel Its plans, choosing instead to lurk within the woods
in which It dwells….
Awaiting prey….
You know what? Fuck it. Why am I even still trying to
justify myself with this? Just keep your god-damned kids out of the god-damned
woods!!!
