The Beast

The Beast lurks, out in the woods.

In the woods It lurks, awaiting prey, and any who venture out into the woods do so warily, with greatest care, for they know, as they have always known, as they have been taught since childhood, that there, in the woods, lurks a Beast, and that any who face this beast must first abandon hope that they might be anything but Its prey…

Full disclosure: The Beast is not, as of this moment, lurking in the woods.

The woods are SO BORING, you guys, there is like nothing to do out there, and the Beast can’t be expected to spend all day, every day, lurking, awaiting prey. I mean, come on, seriously? Seriously? You expect It to literally just lurk twenty-four/seven, waiting for someone from one of the nearby villages to venture out into the woods, alone, and fall into Its clutches? I mentioned the part where everyone in all of the nearby villages has been taught since they were children that a Beast lurks in the woods, awaiting prey, right?

So no, while The Beast does lurk in the woods, there is no Beast in the woods this very moment.

The Beast has shit to do, you guys.

The Beast has gotten into standup comedy recently, at a couple of local open mic’s, and while It admits Its set isn’t very good yet, It finds the whole process a great deal of fun and is grateful to have found such a warm, welcoming group with whom to perform.

The Beast is teaching Itself the banjo, and has been attending a local Celtic music jam at a coffee bar on the outskirts of town, in one of the more upscale neighborhoods. It has surprised Itself at how naturally the banjo has come, never previously having suspected that It might have any natural aptitude for music.

The Beast has, of late, been frequenting a local BDSM club, where It’s discovered that an actual primal, eldritch, man-eating, forest-dwelling monster beyond human description or comprehension can find Itself VERY popular among a certain type of submissive.

The Beast has no interest in pursuing this any further, but It finds the attention enormously flattering.

The Beast is a fully fleshed-out, completely unique individual, is what I’m saying, It is a real, living thing with thoughts and hopes and dreams and feelings and an internal life every bit as real and meaningful as your own, and it does not appreciate being stereotyped as a one-note monster lurking in the woods, waiting to kill and eat your children.

Although It IS a monster and, should your children venture out into the woods unattended, It WILL eat them. That’s still a large part of who The Beast is, it’s just not ALL the beast is.

If you catch the distinction there.

So yes, The Beast lurks in the woods, and while no, It is not lurking there right this very second it will, with time, return to the woods, once more to lurk, once more to await prey, and since you do not have a copy of The Beast’s schedule you will never know with certainty whether The Beast is in the woods or not at any given moment, and as such will find it would be safer to treat the woods as though The Beast were lurking within, rather than take the chance that The Beast has a cold or something this week and has chosen to cancel Its plans, choosing instead to lurk within the woods in which It dwells….

Awaiting prey….

You know what? Fuck it. Why am I even still trying to justify myself with this? Just keep your god-damned kids out of the god-damned woods!!!