Friday, April 10, 2015



I know that it’s been more than a year since we’ve spoken, and given the circumstances surrounding the end of our relationship I imagine that I’m the last person you’d want to hear from. Trust me, I don’t relish this any more than you do, if I could avoid speaking to you the rest of my life I would do so gladly, but unfortunately that option isn’t open to me.

I’m forced by circumstance, you see, to get back in touch with you, because I’ve received some news that you, whether you like it or not, both need to know and deserve to hear from me, so as not to have it come to you through the grapevine. So, while this communication is no doubt unpleasant for the both of us, I hope that you will grit your teeth and suffer through this letter, as I have gritted mine and written it.

One of my exes, you see, has recently given birth to a baby.

I was with her before you and I ever met, I’m not sure you and she even know each other frankly, but the fact remains, I was with her, then I was with you, and now she has a baby.

And, as you know, babies are sexually transmitted.

She’s not sure when she contracted baby, exactly, but as she is a generally responsible person she’s made it known to everyone she’s ever been intimate with that the baby had been born, so that we might know and respond accordingly. While she and I were together we always did our best to be safe, but no form of protection is 100% effective and there’s a small chance that she may have passed her baby along to me.

I have a test scheduled to find out for certain, one way or the other, and I’m contacting you, as well as everyone else in my sexual history, to inform you that you ought to schedule one yourself. This might be nothing, obviously, it’s probably nothing. I haven’t been sexually intimate with her in years and if I had passed a baby on to you chances are that by this late date you’d be showing some symptoms, but still you deserve at least a heads up so as to take appropriate steps.

Get tested at your earliest convenience, and alert whatever men or women you may’ve slept with since me that there is a small chance that you’ve given them baby. As I mentioned, it’s probably nothing, but better safe than sorry, and the sooner you get tested the sooner you can have peace of mind about the issue, assuming you aren’t with child.

And, if you are, I’m deeply, deeply sorry. Our breakup was enormously painful, the blood between us is bad, I acknowledge that freely, but nonetheless it was never my intention to afflict you thusly. I do not, frankly, like you. I do not think you are a good person. But in spite of all that transpired between us, I would never wish a baby on you in even my darkest, angriest moments. But even if the worst-case scenario proves to be true, take heart. Medical science and societal attitudes toward people with babies have come along way in recent years and, while the prospect might seem horrific, this is not the end for you even if I DID somehow manage give you a baby.

Many people with children nowadays, approaching things with the right attitude and appropriate support, go on to lead rich, fulfilling lives….


  1. >alert whatever men or women you may’ve slept with since me that there is a small chance that you’ve given them baby.<


  2. Tongue-in-cheek, a little dark, and...pretty funny!