...when waiters attack.

Say “Gluten free” again, motherfucker, I dare you. I double dog dare you. Say it one more fucking time.

I have had it with you people and your fake allergies and fad diets. I don’t need it, I don’t deserve it, I’m a good person and a hard worker and I’m better than this. You don’t have an allergy, you just saw a thing on TV and decided to change your diet in fundamental ways based on very little information, and now you think you’re within your rights to get pissy with me that our kitchen can’t bend over backward far enough to kiss your ass and make you happy? Eat a bag of fucks, you low-information, off-menu-ordering piece of garbage…

What? Of course I have a gun, all the waiters here have guns, it’s company policy. Now sit back down and shut the fuck up, I’m trying to tell you something.

And the worst thing is, there are real people suffering real, in some cases life-threatening, food allergies, and they have real problems getting their issues taken seriously because peasants like you use “I’m allergic” as though it and “I don’t happen to like it” were interchangeable.

They’re not. They’re different words that mean different things, and you can’t use one in place of the other. You aren’t allergic, this is not a real allergy, you just happen not to like it.

Huh? How do I know you don’t have a real allergy to gluten? Why am I so confident? I apologize, allow me to explain…

…YOU ASKED IF THE BREAD WAS GLUTEN-FREE! YOU DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER ASKING IF THERE WAS SPECIAL BREAD, YOU ASKED ABOUT OUR REGULAR BREAD, AND WHETHER IT WAS GLUTEN-FREE!

I mean, seriously, do you even know what gluten is? A person with a legitimate medical issue with regard to processing it would already know that yeah, there would be gluten in the bread. A person with a non-fake allergy to gluten would not have to ask.

And you don’t have to ask either. Just order your fucking food, pay your fucking tab, tip thirty percent for wasting my time and get the fuck out, and take your weird fad diet with you. Can you do that? Can you? Can you please do that for me?

Thank you. That wasn’t so fucking hard, was it?

Anybody else here have a problem with how I handled that?

Good.

Now, how about you, sir? Have you figured out what would you’d like for your dinner?

WHAT THE FUCK IS PALEO??!?!??!