Spiders

When offered a choice between a bunch of little spiders or one big spider, take the big spider. One big spider is much easier to deal with than numerous tiny ones.

I mean, bounds of reason.

It’s definitely important that you clarify exactly HOW big the one spider is before you make the decision…

I’ll know that for next time.

So far, I’ve been lucky, comparatively speaking. The spider knocked out my wall on its way out into the street, yes, but it was my neighbours’ place across the way that it chose to make its nest, rather than my own, so I feel like complaining about the property damage here would be petulant of me. The repair costs over there are going to be MUCH more expensive, after all.

Also, my neighbours across the street are all dead, long since consumed by a giant, rampaging spider. So there’s that as well.

I’m tempted to call for help, but to be honest I have no idea who I would even call. This does seem beyond the normal purview of 911, and I suspect pest control isn’t equipped for this level of pest either, so what options do I realistically have? The military? Perhaps, but if there IS a way for a private citizen to summon the military to his private residence, it’s certainly not something I’ve ever been told how to do.

Plus, really, this IS my own fault.

I picked the big spider rather than the small ones.

And I picked it specifically because I thought it would be easier to deal with.

I suppose I do have a responsibility here…

Okay, you know what? Screw it; I’m going over there. Complaining never accomplished anything for anyone, and there comes a time in a man’s life where he’s gotta stand up to his responsibilities and face them head on. And if I can’t do that with a giant, carnivorous spider making its nest in the wreckage of my dead neighbours’ home, when can I?

My courage isn’t going to screw itself to the sticking place, after all!

I just need to grab a couple things from the shed out back, and then I’ll be on my way.

I’m going to put a saddle on that motherfucker and ride it off into the sunset, or I’m going to die trying…

The Week After

In celebration of Halloween, I filled my apartment with spiders.

As one does.

And the webs they spun, I must admit, proved very festive. Overall, I have no complaint as to the quality of cobweb they provided, A+, 10 out of 10, would cobweb again. My guests were duly impressed by my décor and everyone found the whole place downright spooktacular.

I cannot stress this enough, I have zero complaints about the way my place was decorated for Halloween by the infestation of actual spiders I inflicted upon my home.

It’s just that now…

It’s not Halloween anymore, you see, and the spiders are still here, and however much time I spend clearing away cobwebs there always seems to be more by the end of the day.

I’ve tried spraying, but it’s done nothing. I don’t know where they’re hiding, where they’re laying their eggs, but there seems to be more of them every day, skittering out of the way when the lights come on, cleverly avoiding my tread as I walk through the place, and at night…

…at night I feel them crawling, crawling 'cross my skin. Ten thousand tiny legs caressing my body as they swarm me, covering every inch of me, up over my torso and onto my face and into my mouth…

…oh God, into my mouth.

I wake up now, most nights, screaming and spitting out spiders, afraid I’ll never get a full night’s sleep again, afraid that this will soon drive me mad if I can’t find a way to get rid of them, afraid of where they might be laying their eggs. There are moments where I catch myself believing  that this place is their true home, not mine, and that it is I who am the interloper in their sanctuary. But this is madness, surely? It has been but a week since I allowed them in, they cannot have made the place their own so completely in so short a time?

In my mind I know this to be true. But in my heart? In my heart I do despair that this tale has only one ending, and that it is not an ending that I will survive.

Bearing this in mind, I cannot give your “Spider Infestation Service” the full five stars. I hope that you will understand.

4.5 stars out of 5

We Have Nothing to Fear...

Fear’s the real killer.

It’ll paralyze you if you’re not careful. The slightest little thing, harmless on it’s face, can be magnified by the subconscious mind and manifest as the most paralyzing sort of terror.

It’s for this reason one must remain vigilant, ready to face one’s fears when needed. And must make oneself available to help others when they need to face theirs.

So, when the time came to overcome her phobia of spiders, I buried her alive, in a coffin full of spiders.

And now she no longer fears spiders.

Next: To address her newfound fear of me…