Keg Stands

Jay put the keg under the ceiling fan, and warned us not to do keg stands. He couldn’t find another convenient place to put it, and as such had to count on us not to do the simple, stupid thing that drunks are so prone to doing at parties…

We did keg stands, obviously. We started doing them immediately, and continued until such time as we knocked down the ceiling fan, showering his kitchen with plaster from the now ruined ceiling and smashing his kitchen window as down it came.

And Jay was not impressed. Nor, I suppose, should he have been...

At his next party the keg was left outside, by the fire, and he warned us for our own safety to avoid keg-standing, as due to the roaring flames so nearby he could not guarantee that even were an ambulance called immediately it would make any difference to the life of the standee, and anyway that he had no faith that we’d think, in an emergency, to call one…

I think I could have resisted the allure. Fire is, after all, a fear more primal than a spinning ceiling fan. But I was not the only person at the party, and Gerald was pretty sure he could pull it off…

He didn’t, obviously. I don’t want to disparage his attempt, there’s no point in speaking ill of the dead, but he didn’t pull it off, and Jay was right, a yard full of drunks do NOT think to call an ambulance in any reasonable time-frame.

Anyway, for the funeral, if you could put the keg at the lip of the open grave. We hope that this, if nothing else, will prevent keg stands…