Thursday, January 29, 2015

Idea for a Tumbler

Step One: Join a dating website. Doesn’t matter which one.

Step Two: Post photos of a conventionally attractive catalogue model and claim that it’s you.

Step Three: When dudes start sending you unsolicited dick pics, which they absolutely will, post them to, which I just checked and yes, it IS available, with amusing dick pic related captions. Then, send back a link to the gent who thought his junk would impress you so, and watch him melt down.

Fireworks will assuredly fly.

Now, I know there are some ethical concerns here, and you’re not wrong to bring them up, this is an unconscionable and absolutely inappropriate invasion of privacy, and it’s grossly irresponsible at the very least for me to even suggest such a thing. Whether you take me up on this plan is your business, between you and your conscience, but if you DO need a way to ease the obvious ethical concerns that this plan, let me say: Anyone who gets angry enough to trace the pictures will quickly learn that you’re using a stock photo of a conventionally attractive catalogue model, and won’t for a moment believe she’s actually the one running the tumbler. At worst she’ll get a little negative publicity but go about her life, barely aware that this has happened.

So you see, your concerns are unfounded, she’ll be fine. But sweet of you to worry.

And as far as the privacy of the guys sending unsolicited dick pics to people on the internets, I think we can all agree that fuck those guys…

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: Happiness

By Christopher Munroe

If you’re happy and you know it, weep some tears.

If you’re happy and you know it, shriek with fear.

If you’re happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you’re happy and you know it, it ultimately doesn’t matter, nobody will hear your screams, will ever find you down here, not ever. Not until my work is finished.

Why are you crying? Are you not happy? Do you not know it?

My attempt at a children’s television program, I’ll be first to admit, was ill-conceived, and it ultimately probably did deserve to be cancelled.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Idea for a Murder - A Mental Note

I intend to kidnap a person, it doesn’t really matter who, and imprison him, stripped to the waist, hung upside down, tied to a cross, and cut open at the wrists.

Yes, I know. Again.

This time around, his restraints will act as makeshift tourniquets, slowing the bleeding during his imprisonment.

I intend to keep him completely motionless, powerless, head strapped back, eyes held open Clockwork Orange style, staring ever forward, unable to look away, unable even to blink as he stares.

And then, I will force him to watch the popular television series Hannibal, and as he watches over the course of hours I will, slowly, ever more slowly arrange that his restraints should be loosened, allowing him only slightly more freedom of movement should he choose but, the more he moves, the more he might cause his blood to flow...

He can, should he choose, attempt to free himself, but I suspect that he will remain where he is, both due to his fear at bleeding out and out of a desire to continue watching. Hannibal is, after all, a very good show.

If all goes according to plan, he’ll bleed out while watching the season finale, but before the big reveal.

In this way he’ll die fully invested in the program but never knowing how it ends, wondering as the life slips from him what he’s missing but never able to know for sure.

In this way the death he struggled so mightily to avoid will come, inescapable, his patience amounting in the end to nothing, his life amounting to the same, my victory over him, and the victory of quality television, in his death, finally complete…

This is my design.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: Mess

Cleaning Up
By Christopher Munroe

…another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.

I suppose you expect me to bail you out ?

Fine. Bring the bone saw, fetch a rug. I’ll dismember the corpse and we can dispose of it at the quarry before coming back to scrub blood out of carpet and walls.

Make sure nobody sees you, there’s no reason for us to be here, so if no trace is found no one will suspect and in a few hours we’ll be home, enjoying a scotch.

But seriously, this is the last time I’m doing this.

I can’t clean up your messes forever…

Friday, January 16, 2015

Through the Doors

In an instant the night was destroyed by day, which in turn was divided by night, by endless night...

And in that night it came, it came for us, one and all.

Nobody knew exactly what it was we’d inadvertently unleashed when we breached the wall between worlds, thrown open the doors, because nobody had ever seen it and survived, but whatever it was it was not of this world, and all that was left of its victims…

I can’t, I can’t even begin. I’m sorry, I just can’t. It sickens me, my stomach hurts at the thought, my soul hurts. I don’t ever want to think of what it did to those poor, damned fools, not ever again. And yet, part of me knows that it’s not something I’ll ever be able to forget.

So those of us left scattered to the four winds, in the hopes that whatever it was we’d given access to our defenseless world might allow us to live out our days. We wouldn’t live them out in peace, there would be no peace for any one of us ever again and we knew it, but we hoped we might be allowed at least to live…

Even as the world ends, even for those responsible for ending it, hope springs. And though we knew there would be nothing we could do to save our miserable world from the unspeakable thing we’d unleashed, we held on to our hopes for base survival.

And so, we tried to run.

We tried to hide.

Because something had broken through, from the other side…

Monday, January 12, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: Piracy

By Christopher Munroe

When Johnny Depp was kidnapped by actual Somali pirates, we all agreed it was going to be amazing. News networks went berserk, comedians got ready and we were primed to follow this amazing, if socially irrelevant, news story wherever it might take us.

It was, after all, the sort of amazing TV that didn’t come along every day, and we were excited to make the most of it.

Three days later the pirates killed him.

Because in real life, pirates do that.

It was kind of a downer.

Ah well. Hopefully the next thing will be a little more fun…

Thursday, January 8, 2015

I Want to Make a Movie: P. Diddy Edition

I want to make a movie, and I want it to star P. Diddy.

Does P. Diddy even make movies? Because if he’s going to star in mine, it would be helpful if he were also an actor.

It would be fine if he weren’t, don’t get me wrong, non actors make movies with varying degrees of success every year, but it would be helpful if he were…

Anywho, I want to make a movie, for children, and I want for it to star popular New York hip-hop icon P. Diddy, as well as being based upon one of his more popular songs.

More Monkeys, More Problems, my movie will be called. Essentially Diddy, playing himself, inherits one hundred monkeys from a distant relative who in life had owned a circus, finds through a series of unusual to the point of wacky circumstances that he can neither give these monkeys away nor find an appropriate caregiver for them and, when he’s forced to go about his business as a rap mogul trailed by a sizable parade of monkeys, hilarity ensues.

It’s 101 Dalmations but with trained monkeys, basically. Because everyone loved 101 Dalmations and trained monkeys are clearly funnier than dogs could ever be.

Anyway, at first P. Diddy’s life is turned upside down by the sudden influx of circus animals, as you would expect, but as the film progresses he grows to love them, to the point that he couldn’t imagine living without them.

He can, after all, afford to keep them easily enough, as he does have P. Diddy money going on.

And then, in the third act, the monkeys save P. Diddy’s life, or he saves theirs, from some sort of evil, anti-monkey conglomerate. I’m not sure how that will wind up playing out to be honest, there are third act problems in the script that WILL have to be ironed out before the first day of filming, but the money-shot is a helicopter lifting off a skyscraper in downtown New York with dozens of monkeys hanging off it, P. Diddy chasing behind.

It’s going to be a badass action comedy, but with a lot of heart. The sort of thing that manages to be simultaneously “High Concept” and “Feel Good.” Fun for the whole family, the sort of thing you could take anybody out to see.

Anyway, that’s my notion. If any of you know how I can get in contact with P. Diddy, I’d really appreciate it, I think that a film like this really does have a lot of potential. It’ll never be a tent pole flick, obviously, but as a modestly budgeted family comedy it may well wind up over-performing.

And, of course, the soundtrack would be an automatic hit. The lead single, after all, would be performed by Will Smith. No reason, I just like when he raps the plot to a popular movie…

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: Value

Family Value
By Christopher Munroe
Everyone talks about family values, but what’s the true value of a family?
I mean, father, mother, two or three kids, say two for the sake of argument, that’s four transplantable hearts total, eight lungs, four livers, endless yards of usable intestine, to say nothing of the kidneys, the bone marrow, the retinas. It adds up, but to what?
What’s the family value, what is it truly?

You might already know. I don’t.

But I will.


I know a guy who knows a guy.

And I’ve kidnapped a family, and soon, I will know its true value.
Minus commission…

Thursday, January 1, 2015

My New Year's Resolutions

The time has come once more, ladies and gentlemen, in which a young man’s mind turns to self-improvement, and to that end toward the lofty goals that one might set oneself in the hopes that through such goals one might be made more perfect in this mortal life…

I am that one, my friends, I am that one indeed, and while I am no longer by anyone’s definition a “young” man, I have set myself such goals with just such hopes in mind. To that end, that you might hold me accountable for my own success over the course of the coming year, I should like to make my New Year’s Resolutions public, to bare them plain for the world to see.

I do hereby, in that spirit, resolve…

1) To solve more of my problems with the threat of physical violence.

I suspect that I do this to a certain degree already without even realizing that it’s happening. Let’s face it, and if you’ve ever seen me you’ll agree, I’m kind of built to solve my problems with the implied threat of physical violence.

I’m six foot three, two twenty pounds and change, and reasonably solidly built, there are likely confrontations I naturally avoid due to my size and stature without even noticing that it’s happening. Which is so great, I do my best to recognize and appreciate the instances in which my privilege smoothes the way for me, and this is certainly one such instance, but going forward I’m going to really concentrate on upping my game with regard to physically intimidating the people around me into giving me what I want without my having to earn it. After all, I can only be the truest version of myself, and the truest version of me is large, hulking, intimidating, and could stand to be much, much more of all three…

2) To deny science more aggressively.

Full disclosure, I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to go the “Climate Change Denial” route or the full Antivaxxer, but every time I meet somebody who can look at proven, established science and confidently assert, “Nuh-uh, is not!” I can’t help but feel an enormous respect for their commitment to what they believe.

Anyone can be confident in their beliefs if their beliefs happen to be true, after all, real courage is the courage to cling tenaciously so theories that are long since disproven and discredited, theories against which the vast majority of scientists have come together in opposition and mountains of contrary evidence exists.

I want to possess such courage, for courage is the path of the warrior, and in the New Year I will do my best to live up to the standards set by my antivaxxing, climate-change denying forbears…

3) To develop an opinion about Kim Kardashian.

I know, I know, I promise this every year. But this year I feel really good about it, Kim K is in the news now more than ever, and I’m pretty sure that if I hunker down and really start paying attention I can by the end of the year, when her name comes up, either love, hate, or in any event come up with some response to her mention other than a bored shrug and uninterested “meh.”

This time for sure!

4) To get way more serious about my Murder-Sculpture.

Okay, I’ll admit, this one may be the result of watching too much Hannibal. Still, some of the murder-sculpture on that show is amazing, and they really put the murder/performance art I’ve been doing here in town to shame. I know, I can’t expect to be working to the same level as the team on a major network television program, but come on! I’m a creative, talented sociopath, and I could be leaving corpses in MUCH more interesting predicaments in an attempt to taunt local law enforcement!

And that’s not even including the possibilities that open up to me once I start manipulating the people around me into their own murder sprees! Yes, if I play 2015 right Calgary could be an absolute bloodbath by the end of next year, and while it may have taken a television show to remind me of this fact, by Zod now that I do remember it I’ll do my best to live up to the example Hannibal’s set me!

5) To start a New Year’s Revolution!

Another holdover from last year, I did not lead the populace in open rebellion against an oppressive regime at any point during the past twelve months. Again, this is nobody’s fault but my own, things got on top of me and this promise I made to myself just sort of slipped my mind. Life gets in the way sometimes, you know how it is.

This year for sure, however! I will choose a small, oppressed nation, I will go there, I will lead its people and, on December 31st, we will together overthrow the previous regime! The headline writes itself, all we have to do is make the news, it will be magical!

Alternately, a late-December crime spree. “New Year’s Thieves” does have a lovely ring to it…

…so there we are! My goals for the New Year, achievable all and well worth pursuing each and every one, I think you will agree. I know these will not be easy to follow through on, resolutions worth their salt never are, but if I can make even one or two of these a reality, the benefit both to me and to the people around me will be undeniable. Looking forward to the year ahead, I see great things in my future, and I look forward to keeping you updated as to how my resolutions go!

Keep me honest, you guys! Especially with regard to the murder-sculpture!