You misunderstand, I know what our problems are AND I know
how to fix them.
Everyone knows about the challenges we face, and in general
they’re all solvable, with a little effort and a little shared sacrifice. It’s
not a complex matter to get us back up and running. Wouldn’t take long either.
It’s just that I have absolutely no intention of doing any
of the required things.
Because I don’t care. I don’t care because “our” problems
aren’t OUR problems.
They’re yours. Or, more precisely, they’re your children’s.
I have no children of my own, so long term deficits don’t
matter to me. Neither does global warming, the state of the education system or
providing for the comfort of retirees fifty years from now. By fifty years from
now I’ll be dead, and no generation will succeed me specifically, so from my
point of view it’ll be a totally irrelevant point.
Why, then, plan for a future that neither my nonexistent
offspring nor I will be around to enjoy? It’s somebody else’s problem, so let
somebody else deal with it. My time, I think, would be better spent dealing
with the problems of the present without the distraction of what tomorrow might
bring.
To that end, I would like to suggest massive increases in
spending, both economically stimulative and social, and an abolition of all
forms of taxes effective immediately. This will provide for short-term economic
growth, which, as I’ve already implied, is the only sort of economic growth I
give a damn about. Similarly, I’d like to suggest the immediate abolition of regulation
on our nation’s businesses, as the majority of regulation is meant to deal with
the consequences of our actions, either for other people today or for future
generations, while I’m more interested in the actions themselves.
I am, after all, a man of action. Consequences can be left
for other days and weaker-willed men.
If elected, I promise that I will do what I can to help
myself, today. And those of you who are in situations similar to mine will also
benefit, if only peripherally. This is my promise to you and, if elected, I
will keep this promise.
And as to those of you who’s circumstance is different from
mine, or who do care about the future, let me say this: I do not, and will
never care about your problems. Because they are not my problems, and I have
absolutely no empathy for anyone different than myself.
Vote for me anyway.
My opponent feels the exact same way as I do, after all, and
will behave in the exact same way once safely in office.
And I at least have enough respect for your intelligence to
be honest and up front about it.
