Sunday, October 28, 2012

Weekly Prompt Story: Chains

By Christopher Munroe

If you think about it, in a way we’re all in chains.

Chained by self-imposed obligations to one another, to notions of family and friendship. Chained to jobs we only took to pay student loans we thought we’d need to get jobs better than the ones we were eventually forced to take. Chained by outdated notions of morality.

Yes, we fancy ourselves free, but in a way we’re all in chains.

But in another, more literal way, only you are in chains, here in my soundproof basement.

Now, make yourself comfortable while I head upstairs to fetch my straight razor… 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Dearly Departed

I dropped everything and flew home, to say goodbye.

It surprised me, surprised everyone I suppose. He’d been doing really well lately, and while we knew there was a possibility, we never expected his time might come so suddenly.

I barely had time to return.

The rest of the family came too, of course, to pay respects and tell him we loved him before he went, to gather and witness his final moments.

“Goodbye.” We said.

“Goodbye.” He replied, waving. Then turned and strode, grinning, up the gangway onto the ark-ship, never to be seen by anyone on earth again…

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I Want to Make A Movie

In my movie, I want Tim Allen to participate in a hit and run, only to return home to find that the person he’s run over and abandoned to die on the side of the road is none other than Santa, and that, due to an obscure clause in his contract, whoever kills Santa is forced to take his place. Over the course of the rest of the film we’ll focus on Mr. Allan’s transformation, both physical as he takes on the traditional form of Santa and mental as he becomes more generous and jolly, as his inner Santa comes to the fore.

The tone I intend to create, over the course of this film, is one of existential dread mixed with a healthy dose body horror, as an ordinary man is forced, as penance for one lapse of judgment, to watch helplessly as he is transformed beyond his recognition, as one by one the signifiers of identity he’s put so much stock in, both physically and mentally, are stripped from him, as he is consumed from the inside out by the Christmas Spirit, an angry ghost which must be appeased at all costs, and which has no care for the life it is consuming.

Partway through act two, Allen-Clause will discover that he’s no longer capable of taking his own life, that every time he tries the Spirit prevents him, seeking as it does to protect its host body until such time as the transformation is complete and it has total control, and due to this revelation he will spend act three seeking out someone, anyone, willing to put an end to his life while there’s still enough “self” left in him for his death, and by extension his life, to hold some measure of meaning.

Eventually, he’ll remember how he got into this mess in the first place, and run into a busy street, where he’ll be hit by a car and, in his dying moments, bloated body broken, from behind his white beard, he’ll let out a laugh, not the “Ho Ho Ho” his laugh had become, but rather the laugh of Tim Allen, weaker and more hoarse as he dies, but still inarguably his own. In this way the audience will know that, in death if not in life, he’s triumphed, both over the Spirit and its horrible clause.

I believe the film will be a fascinating look at the nature of identity, as well as a gripping horror story, and as such will release it midway through October, just in time for “holiday season” for this type of film. I also suspect I could bring it in with a relatively minimal budget, as I can’t imagine Tim Allen’s terribly busy nowadays, also a plus as the possibility of a sequel is obvious.

After all, somebody was driving the car that ran Allen-Clause over at the end of the film.

And, no matter what lengths the host bodies might go through to die, Santa does come every year, like clockwork. So however many hosts might succeed in ending their lives, eventually there will be one who isn’t strong enough to do what it takes, or lucky enough to do it in time. And that unlucky soul will be consumed so completely that it will be as though they’d never existed at all.

Because the Christmas Spirit will not be denied…

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Weekly Prompt Story: Inside the Circle

Inside the Circle
By Christopher Munroe

They circled us, cheering, as we circled one another, knives at the ready.

I don’t know how to fight, but when he accused me of insulting his honor I refused to apologize. Why should I? It was just a joke!

Still, I didn’t expect him to turn up to the duel, and when he did I was worried. Especially since, from what I’d heard, he DID know what he was doing.

Still, no backing down now...

So I pulled the pistol I’d tucked into the waistband of my pants, and shot him.

…always bring a gun to a knife fight.

Thursday, October 18, 2012


This status is to raise awareness. Specifically, awareness of my awareness. It tells you I care about social justice, and am politically aware, and does so in the most efficient possible way.

The most efficient way being the way in which I don’t have to actually do anything.

I won’t give time, I won’t give money. I’ll change my Facebook to reflect a contemporary social issue, and it’s unreasonable to expect me to do more.

Copy this to your Facebook if you believe things, but not strongly enough to come up with unique phrasing.

And thus: Increase your Facebook status.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Weekly Prompt Story: Chip

By Christopher Munroe

I was being extraordinarily reasonable.

I didn’t raise my voice, I wasn’t rude, I simply explained that the first time I put a guy into the wood-chipper I’d bought, it jammed, and asked for a refund.

Jerry, behind the counter, explained that the wood-chipper was meant to chip wood, and since I’d misused the hardware no refund would be forthcoming.

Chip wood?

What part of my life as a hired murderer would lead me to need chipped wood?

Still, nothing I could do, so I bought another, sturdier wood-chipper at a rival store.

This weekend, I’ll demonstrate it to Jerry…

Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Morning After

I awoke with the worst hangover I’ve ever had, and no recollection of anything past my third cosmopolitan...

And a giant sword, I also had a giant sword.

Eventually, once I staggered out of my tent (tent?), I was greeted by a Wizard, who informed me that only I could end the reign of the mad king Lentorius.

And that I’d already agreed, while drunk, to do so.

So yeah, that’s weeks of my life spoken for now.

I swear, and this time I mean it.

This is the last time I go drinking at the Destini bar after work…

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Weekly Prompt Story: I don't watch much Football, but...

I don’t watch much Football, but…
By Christopher Munroe

I was doing dinner theater, living in a hotel near Calgary’s football stadium.

My day off, on my way out, I happened upon six gentlemen in Chewbacca costumes, each with a Saskatchewan Roughriders jersey over his wookie suit.

I was surprised, as you would be. When I asked if that was a thing amongst Roughriders fans, one of the Chewies told me that no, it wasn’t, but that it totally should be. And then they were off to support their team, the weirdest way they knew, and I was alone with my thoughts...

So yeah, I cheer for the Roughriders. 

Friday, October 5, 2012


Times was tough all around, what with the economy. But especially for Grandpappy.

The harvest hadn’t come in proper, and we’d been missing payment on the mortgage. We’d get to it when we could, but for the moment....

So I guess it ought not to’ve surprised us when the fella from the bank came by.

He told Grandpappy that, unless he came up with the money, the bank’d take his farm, all legal-like, nothing to do about it.

So Grandpappy shot him.

It didn’t help, but every time we visited him in prison Grandpappy’d tell us how satisfying it felt…